Netcees - View Single Post - Week 3: Just Write vs. Vividly Vague (JUST WRITE WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

Pinot Grij · 03-20-2016, 05:56 PM

Just Write

Dope opener.

Opening stanza is fucking insane. Simple rhymes to match a simple time. It felt like your verse was in black and white - that's a compliment. I loved it.

heart had turned cold / part of the globe -- that's a fuckin dope rhyme
many / enemy is not good. the first blemish in this piece though.
exceptionally hard to manage -- I think if you chose a different adverb with less syllables, you could've imrpove the flow on this line. Even "quite" or "really" - 5 syllables is a mouthful. "mentally damaged" is a bit of a rough rhyme for that line too. But I like the progression of the story in this direction.

Closing paragraph is dope as well. Darling forgot him - that's a bummer. Nice touch to bring that detail back into play though. This is the best verse I've read this week so far. Very inventive to use multiple pics as a timeline too. I was really impressed.

VividlyVague

I'm confused by the opener - not grabbed by the imagery - some indirect word choices. Talking about Mom and Pop twice in a couple lines, at first blaming them for selling the children into slavery, then saying that they're dead... Ionno, just felt weird.
"Lungs darker than preferred company." -- ??? I don't get the reference.
Clean suits / dirty policies is a really cool juxtaposition - liked that a lot.
Next couplet - the rhyming is a little weird... but the imagery is strong.
Medical complications implying we won't grow old. -- I don't know how a medical condition can imply anything really... it's got no agency to do such a thing.

VV - I think this verse really suffered from a lack of tone... strange word choices were littered through almost every line. Without an established tone, the verse just kind of veered off for me. I couldn't really place it. I wasn't a huge fan.

Vote -- Just Write, in a landslide.

03-20-2016, 05:56 PM	#7
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Just Write Dope opener. Opening stanza is fucking insane. Simple rhymes to match a simple time. It felt like your verse was in black and white - that's a compliment. I loved it. heart had turned cold / part of the globe -- that's a fuckin dope rhyme many / enemy is not good. the first blemish in this piece though. exceptionally hard to manage -- I think if you chose a different adverb with less syllables, you could've imrpove the flow on this line. Even "quite" or "really" - 5 syllables is a mouthful. "mentally damaged" is a bit of a rough rhyme for that line too. But I like the progression of the story in this direction. Closing paragraph is dope as well. Darling forgot him - that's a bummer. Nice touch to bring that detail back into play though. This is the best verse I've read this week so far. Very inventive to use multiple pics as a timeline too. I was really impressed. VividlyVague I'm confused by the opener - not grabbed by the imagery - some indirect word choices. Talking about Mom and Pop twice in a couple lines, at first blaming them for selling the children into slavery, then saying that they're dead... Ionno, just felt weird. "Lungs darker than preferred company." -- ??? I don't get the reference. Clean suits / dirty policies is a really cool juxtaposition - liked that a lot. Next couplet - the rhyming is a little weird... but the imagery is strong. Medical complications implying we won't grow old. -- I don't know how a medical condition can imply anything really... it's got no agency to do such a thing. VV - I think this verse really suffered from a lack of tone... strange word choices were littered through almost every line. Without an established tone, the verse just kind of veered off for me. I couldn't really place it. I wasn't a huge fan. Vote -- Just Write, in a landslide. __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.