Netcees - View Single Post - Week 3: The Law vs. Breathless (BREATHLESS WINS 6-5)

Pinot Grij · 03-20-2016, 05:36 PM

The Law

I really didn't like "bottom pits" - but the rhyme scheme otherwise was dope. Rapid fire pacing, really fucking cool.
Next quartet of lines is not as smoothly paced - I really think you could've done something ridiculously dope with the alcohol flowing / banks account drying up juxtaposition. I wish you did.
A class of amputation? - Nah, that's really awkward wording. I feel things going off the rails a bit here.
a copious of shivering, frozen while its six degrees - rhymes well, but "copious of shivering" doesn't make any sense, it's a grammatical abomination
I like your twist ending, but it was too brief - almost felt like a throwaway. If you spent less time describing his life on the streets (which was an approach that I don't really think worked for you), then you could've elaborated on his theories being accepted and revered over time. I think you had a really auspicious start, but I was disappointed with where the piece went after an incredible first 4 lines.

Breathless

I like the scene-setting, but I think some of the word choice and rhyming is a little choppy.

Next quartet of lines is good - the tense shift in the third line is a bit awkward though and "man's gone" feels weird with the scheme.

I don't like the phrase "sheen of emotion".
The scene comes to a close - dope near-rhyme to start the next line though.

Next stanza is dope - but again, I dont really like the wording of "killed by a gun". The passive construction ruins the emotion that she felt. She actively shot him, right? Then you should construct the statement in an active tense to give ownership to your character.

I feel both battlers made cheap mistakes with diction. I really don't want to vote for either, but I already wrote all this shit, so I guess I have to. I think I gotta go with The Law based on the potential that lied within the storyline. The opener was dope af and I liked the approach, but the execution fell off as things went along. In addition, I feel like Breathless' verse is more easily forgettable because it lacks flair and character.

Vote -- The Law

03-20-2016, 05:36 PM	#9
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	The Law I really didn't like "bottom pits" - but the rhyme scheme otherwise was dope. Rapid fire pacing, really fucking cool. Next quartet of lines is not as smoothly paced - I really think you could've done something ridiculously dope with the alcohol flowing / banks account drying up juxtaposition. I wish you did. A class of amputation? - Nah, that's really awkward wording. I feel things going off the rails a bit here. a copious of shivering, frozen while its six degrees - rhymes well, but "copious of shivering" doesn't make any sense, it's a grammatical abomination I like your twist ending, but it was too brief - almost felt like a throwaway. If you spent less time describing his life on the streets (which was an approach that I don't really think worked for you), then you could've elaborated on his theories being accepted and revered over time. I think you had a really auspicious start, but I was disappointed with where the piece went after an incredible first 4 lines. Breathless I like the scene-setting, but I think some of the word choice and rhyming is a little choppy. Next quartet of lines is good - the tense shift in the third line is a bit awkward though and "man's gone" feels weird with the scheme. I don't like the phrase "sheen of emotion". The scene comes to a close - dope near-rhyme to start the next line though. Next stanza is dope - but again, I dont really like the wording of "killed by a gun". The passive construction ruins the emotion that she felt. She actively shot him, right? Then you should construct the statement in an active tense to give ownership to your character. I feel both battlers made cheap mistakes with diction. I really don't want to vote for either, but I already wrote all this shit, so I guess I have to. I think I gotta go with The Law based on the potential that lied within the storyline. The opener was dope af and I liked the approach, but the execution fell off as things went along. In addition, I feel like Breathless' verse is more easily forgettable because it lacks flair and character. Vote -- The Law __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.