you snuck this one by me Alice, shame shame!!
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"On my very first day off since I moved into this house,
I decided to clear out the attic,
I ever so wondered what's up there.."
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shit, you got me intrigued too!
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as I put a step forward on the wooden ladder
it overcomes me with a gruesome shiver
lunar-driven, it must be defiance of logic in its pure existence
but hesitation was not in my books of manner, so I enter..
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the transition on gruesome shiver and lunar-driven then the inners that lead to so I enter is a style of writing I must envy. obviously, I wasnt there when you wrote this, but from a technical standpoint..it felt like you just let the words write themselves. like the minute you wrote gruesome shiver..you said lets see where this goes! and it ended so perfectly. really good writing. your style is one of my favorites.
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a site in the attic, dimmed by well-lit shades
for the mind's eye to reflect splendidness, of lavish days
a mellifluous voice rises, from the peril-toned corner light,
"I shall grant you a choice of thrice, ornaments of a rejoicing life
to acquire, you need to unleash the painting on-site"
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descriptive is your nature. your cadence is always poetic and probably why im drawn to your style with such admiration, but your descriptions are second to none.. nice narrative.
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as I'm nearing the said, the shrouding unveils an eerily madness
with piercing glances, to freeze the blood in my vein
as synthesized as every pigment on the canvas
visualized limbs on a threshold, elapsing
depicted visions of intrinsic blisses, panic
witnessed, through my monocle's reminiscent niches
still, there was a beauty in her, not to be put in stanzas
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in the words of a member of the audience at a URL Rap Battle "TALK THAT SHIT!". I think Nigma's favorite word all week has been monocle and I think he stole it from you.
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spellbinding as a reaper's odour, to lunar attractions
this portrait from afar, so close, in the agone thoughts of my own
yet her charm is solely employed, to evoke morbid paroles
yet eyes of such a familiar bond as only nature could narrate
as I am gazing at them in a state, of awakening array
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the way you are hypnotized by the painting.. is how I feel about your word choices at times. this wasnt one of those times tho. wasnt a huge fan of using lunar again..even tho it goes with the story, and as descriptive as you normally are, this felt a bit bland and rushed. I feel personally..and this is just preference shit...this section is "the meat" of the story. the foundation was near flawless..it was building epic.. now were at presentation time.. and it feels like smoke machines and strobe lights.
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I slowly see the broader picture,
in the distance lies a water image,
of a silhouette line
glaring at the sight, of my newlywed wife..
- Lillith. From Lucifer desired.
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ended extremely well. you recovered great and closed out well. and again..thats just preference shit..art is so subjective that there is no *right* or *wrong way*
nice piece Alice. always enjoy the read. thanks
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