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Old 03-15-2016, 08:27 AM   #2
Maximus
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 923
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This was an interesting piece for me bros, I love the transition from when the mother of Kevin was a stubborn youth before she was forcefully violated to when Kevin was 11 just enjoying the company of His 'Father' who saw some characteristics of his own daughter in his grand son to when Kevin became a working teenager at age 16 and due to His job he couldn't create time for those special 'lake moments' he usually had with is grand pops but always promised to show up and never did anyways. And then the last stanza where he gets buffeted by life's ills and decided to go on a vacay to ease his troubling mind and the memories he had with grandpa just came flooding in his mind at the lake side as he reminisced, I especially loived the last part of this piece but not to take anything from the whole verse tho, I can relate to the emotions throughout the whole joint man. I've not read much of ur work but this was a solid effort and a beautiful take on the topic 'u'll never miss the water', u stayed on the theme. Though your rhyme schemes were mostly simple the story was beautifully crafted and easy to follow.. There are some things I would love to point out tho,
" it's not that dad's lame, in Kevin's mind, he'll just always be there
And At least he call's if he's late, that's a quality that's rare"
.... To me I think the second line in the couplet was a little off or kinda forced, I mean the fact that Kevin (a grandson) calls his grandpops when He's late is not really a 'quality that's rare' persay, a lot of people do that often. I might be nitpicking but this is just an observation anyways.
Also
"The harsh reality is teens don't appreciate what they have until it's gone
And Kevin never thought his pops would have to battle passing on"
Its not just teens that don't usually appreciate what they have until its gone, everyone's a culprit, just saying tho lol. The second line was aptly placed tho, as teens don't think about death and passing on generally, its just their care-free attitude. Apart from those I got no issues with this material at all, pardon my skewed grammar man, English is a second language for me lol and my feed may not come off as 'deep' cos I'm relatively new to 'topical feeds' and topicals generally. Overall I enjoyed it, keep scribling
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