SRAL'S PIECE
Quote:
Some are sketchy, others bold, but presiding there intact
- a collection of the moments that define me as a man.
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This whole piece started off a little jagged to read. The idea was there, the flow juuuust not quite to my mental reader.
Quote:
I needed some help, but couldn't see how stubborn I'd grown
me being me I just felt I had it under control.
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Good multis starting to develop, and certainly starting to be a more easily digested flow.
Quote:
My girl was still down, though I thought she would dash
and I worship the ground that she walks on for that.
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The flow, at this point, has become fluid (for the MOST part) and has pulled the reader's tempo in. This is a nice visual too, for me. It's simple words, it's simple images, but it conveys (and quite clearly conveys) such an pivotal part of this piece.
Quote:
I know that it seems like an obvious statement
but it's only when clean you can promise these changes.
I'm honestly taking...
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The flow, by the end, has pulled the reader's attention in to finish. If it hadn't developed, it wouldn't have been as good of a read. (The multis to lead into the next rhyme scheme were a bonus).
JESODIST'S PIECE
I almost stopped reading after the first eight lines. This comes off HARD as if you googled "what rhymes with perfection" and just forced each and every line.
Quote:
Welcome to the Pages in my Mind they are the Cleverest Design where Satan is Confined,
The entire Matrix is Inclined Contemplated by the Elders and Divine,
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again, feeling forced. with a little tweaks, though, the flow of this would have been cool as fuck.
Quote:
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Apocryphal Grounds run by the Prodigal Son with Biological Bombs and Diabolical Bounds
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threw me off a lot. I see the rhyme but I needed the next line to help smooth it over, but it wasn't there :(
I won't go on but, big rhymes don't make for a good read. They come off as forced. it wasn't bad by any means, the idea was well established but it has definite room for improvement.
MVGT @
sraL