JESODIST,
i feel like you were writing with a dictionary beside you, and honestly that makes a piece seem to be just mushed together, the whole "ism's" rhyming was just super lazy and about the only part of those words that really rhymed... go figure. to be honest the onpart i really liked was the last 4 bars, they were great.
Razah,
another person who i've never read from before, i really enjoyed this piece. mayve my votw favorite. i envy your ability to write in a shortbar style and still put out so much emotion within them
Quote:
They see my passion or the dreams I bask in
Yet I keep falling, I think I'm about to reach my rabbit
They knew I'm timid, but I knew my limit
Held hope in my hands, then I blew life in it
The blue sky lifted, used to view life twisted
Still do- & I realized it was you I mimic
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i could have gone and quoted the whole piece but these were the standouts in my eye. very well executed
mvgt=Razah, just a more enjoyable read imo