Timeless
Quote:
If the earth drained you'd be bleeding with it, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Teaching the physics of how our success is usually measured in sorrow.
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Quote:
Fingers spared the time clock, he wrote the days end crying with his pen.
King of the jungle, yet his people are trying to send that lion to his den.
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Theses were great couplets and I enjoyed them thoroughly. I quote them because they were the only real lucid thoughts in this verse. I really like your style, but as one line would start building an idea, the next line would deconstruct it or at least muddle it. It felt like you were scared to write lucid thought and instead backed away to present something abstracted that can be construed as "deep". I like your diction, I think your rhyme style can be a great vehicle for some compelling stories, but this one wasn't it. If your narratives become more lucid, I can see you being really great.
Maximus
Your opening was silky smooth, I liked the narrative build. My criticism is that it lasted too long - you took about 6 lines to get to the "lesson" - in a 16 line max verse, this feels like it took too long. "horny vixens" - that's a terrible phrase. Overall, I thought you could've done so much more with the idea of a dad passing on advice to his son. This was too straightforward. Your writing style is cool though, I look forward to reading something a little more adventurous from you.
Overall impressions - I really do like Timeless's style, I'm just very frustrated by its deliberate opacity. I wanted him to be more direct, and I wanted Maximus to be more risky.
Vote -- Timeless