[Alice White]

Thought this was an enjoyable read from both of you!

asylum -
You incorporated some very good imagery, particularly in the beginning bar. The approach you took was rather interesting with the detailed visualisation of the scenery. It was different enough. I really thought this was a very great read up until the middle section, where you started to include a rather abstract tone. I tend to write abstract too, so I caught the concept of it. It can actually help to enhance the narrative to a certain degree, but I enjoyed the directness of your first half of the verse more and would have therefore hoped to see the scheme employed throughout the whole verse, since it's based on a specific line length. Your last line, then, provided the clarity I was so fond of from your beginning bars. The flow was more or less smooth and your rhyming patterns were decent. Nice work overall.

Frank -
What I really liked about this was the rather unconventional, yet consistent scheme here.
It contributed greatly to a smooth read. Content-wise, it was a very good depiction of a rather "direct" storyline, I also liked the incorporation of the character from the very beginning. I enjoyed the narrative as well, you had terrific imagery and very interesting vocabulary, such as the reference to the debris. The entertaining factor of your ending bars was great. I thought your "story" had a quite thought out, good progression. Some of your lines seemed to be stretched compared to the overall verse, but it was smooth read still, due to your scheme.

Mvgt - Frank