Razah -
Thought the brevity was an asset here.. For the most part you conveyed your thoughts/feelings in a tightknit way.. Powerful&impactful enough without meandering too much or "fillering".
I will say that I've seen better from you; your past works had my expectations higher regarding the rhyme/structure. This isn't bad; in fact it's good.. just not great, as I have seen from you in the past.
Disgusted by much but I've been amazed by your laughter
Not a big fan of the "disgusted by much" phrase.. Nitpicking.. but I thought it was kind of a lazy&vague phrase.
Later on you say
I was growing sick of the times
and
...this life would sicken me
Repetitive.. perhaps intentional to hammer home the point/emphasize the theme. But those latter 2 are more palatable and further evidence that perhaps you could have rephrased (or nixed) the first one I mentioned.
But, after that "set-up" we have a gem here:
Used to question life on this Earth 'til I created the answer
Dope. Clever as hell in very few words, and also deep&personal.
Good strong ending. Won you my vote tbh.
Never knew what hope was, I wish I've heard of it sooner
& I know now, the past that I had shouldn't determine your future
I wish I knew what I'm telling you, we were blessed w/ a blank script
& since I've seen your first steps - I finally realized what faith is
On the whole, you touch on a major change in outlook after this gift of life.. your child has a clean slate of life, a pure start despite your past regrets and former negative outlook. Nice.
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Diode -
This was a good read and kept my attention.. wanting to know what comes next/how it ends.
My knock would be some inconsistency in the level of writing&craftsmanship.
Seems to me like some stanzas were dope - carefully constructed with good phrasing, while other stanzas seemed a bit rushed or clunky or trite.
i still weep at the thought
ignorant in our bliss, diligent when we kissed
aging rapidly and clinging haggardly but for naught
then we're in disarray and distraught
and they say nothing gold can stay, but if i had my way
i'd still have the old you by my side to hold today
I'm not necessarily knocking this for content, but i.m.o. the phrasing is not great here..
In a weird way, if the whole piece was like this, it wouldn't be as "offputting" to me.. The last two lines of the excerpt above^ -- they convey what you're saying in the piece well.. but the way they're written is simple, and not multisyllabic like some other parts of the piece.
Donno..Perhaps you were intentionally looking for style/phraseology contrasts between stanzas.
we'd rebuild collapsing castles in the many facets of the world we claimed
unashamed, recapturing the moment with a melody that we'd mold unchained
withhold the blame or jealousy wrecking me at every turn
and so it goes we'd make it through the fire with the fibers of our tapestry without burns
^Awesome. Your own great stanza here thus hurts you when I judge other parts of tha verse.
Again, good piece, and I enjoyed the read, but the "fluctuation of quality" docked you on my judging, and the structure seemed a bit awkward on the closing two lines.
that perfume you once wore did a piroutte on my puberty
Lol ^, gr8 line.
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both pretty good but mvgt Razah
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