[Pinot Grij]

VV

"Shed night" - awkward wording
Good description in second line "dead sight" - I like.
"Married with drums" - I don't get this other than that it rhymes. Do people with guns often carry drums with them, too?
Good description in the next couplet with the rat, etc. - setting the tone.

The six captors left, leaving the survivors to their devices, all but one nearly lifeless.
"Hang in there guys. Keep resisting... We might survive this!" but Patrick hadn't the slightest.
He was a sniper with academy nods and gun range badges much like them.
And though he was nice with his sights pitched, he didn't quite understand his plight. "Bitch!"

This is a troublesome portion. "Sights pitched" - "plight bitch".. those are weird. If pitch is some sort of terminology for snipers, I don't know it. And the full stop after Plight and then just the exclamation "Bitch!" is rhyming in the laziest and cheapest fashion.

A captor entered, lifting a female, gripping her throat. He spat in her face, and as he listened, she choked.
The terror was palpable, and though the captor was laughing, this wasn't nearly a joke
^^^That section is well-worded. Juxtaposition with the laughter and lack of humor in the situation. Well done.

"You're getting interrogated and poked!"

This is very troublesome for me. My biggest pet peeve in topicals is people using dialogue with words that would never come out of an actual human's mouth. Who would ever say "You're getting interrogated and poked!"??? Nobody. I know it's not always easy to write dialogue, and we can all struggle to write words that realistic - I know I have a hard time with it as well - but it's an important storytelling device that needs to be treated as such.

The next section I like because you're showing the interiority of your character in a situation of duress. Trying to bad your last piece of tail when you think you're about to die is a realistic thought process, so it was a nice touch.

Two days passed and all four captives got their brains blasted. It was insanely tragic.
He was the main attraction. They saved him for last to drain him of his information and passion. ---> some awkward wording here.


"Well, look who it is! Damon Patrick to save the masses! You infidels are made to be trained as asses."
He played ball. He stared down the cloaked maniacs of the unknown faction. They just laughed at him.
"Your comrades are but souls floating in their ashes in this room. Why should you live?"
He froze. "Why should I live? I never helped anyone. Playing hero got me into this shit."
"Too late, Infidel! Now, it is talk or give your limbs for the cause you are in! What unit?!"
"What?!" The room spun and anxiety hit. Fight or flight, hero or wimp. "Suck my dick!"
The captors explode into uproarious laughter as they all pull out cigars and their clips.
"John Wayne has fortitude!" Four held him down face-first, ground under his chin.
With his arms bound behind him, "Here we go. Fingers, then his... TIP!"
The laughter suddenly stopped and the clip was around his thumb.
"No! Wait! Umm, ok, ok! My sergeant... these coordinates, these slums...
This address... these trucks, these snipers, these bunkers, these humps..."
The chatter began, but in a different accent. With different vocabulary from the inhabitants.

What I said about dialogue earlier - you actually pulled off nicely in this segment. The words fit into the mouths of real characters well. Nicely done.

Ok, pieces of this verse I liked and pieces I didn't. In its totality - the story is pretty humdrum. The idea of a person being falsely interrogated to test their mettle is a pretty well-known storyline at this point. I remember it from the movie "Hart's War" and at least one or two other films. The story itself is probably the biggest qualm. It's predictable. Your storytelling ability, as well, I think is much better than you demonstrated in this instance. There were sections of fluid storytelling, and sections of clunky narrative that needed polish.

Mr. J

I like the scene-setting but yesterday and better days is a lazy rhyme.
The rest of the opening stanza is quite strong. The last rhyme scheme is nice until "holocaust" - but it wasn't that far off.

"Venture" used very close together - not a bad thing, but something to watch for.
Inevitable / edible line - really good - you're continuing to paint a good picture of struggle, dystopia, survival.

The rest of the stanza - I like the storyline - there isn't much between your character setting off on his journey and falling victim to some sinister creature - but that's just a matter of space constraints. I'd like to see more there, but I know why you couldn't. Even without it, I have a good picture of the world you're painting.

How heartless…how cruel… the sound of a crackling fire pulls him out of his dreams
His hands were bound behind his back & he knew things were worst than they seemed
^^^tense issues are easily avoided. I also think that someone who was just beaten and kidnapped wouldn't refer to the situation as "heartless and cruel" - they would be far more distraught and/or pissed off.

I like your dialogue between the character and the disembodied voice. It sounds natural.


The figure circled the fire and knelt to the ground and proceeded to examine its specimen.
“You see I’ve seen many a adventurer search this land for hope to return with no evidence…
^^^lazy mistake

I like the introduction of the Mother character.

“Years after the war ended humanity was bound to become as corrupt as those who destroyed it…

^^^ this sentence reads weird - did you forget a word?

The worst thing a person can do in life is giving up

more stupid tense issues.

I like the ending - the Mother of those who can't defend themselves ends up murdering them - a sick, twisted murderer who uses some twisted philosophy to capture and kill her prey.

I think Mr. J had the more original story. It had a darker edge and was less predictable. I think both competitors had equal troubles with diction and word choice / tense errors. On a side note, I think VV's original offering was far more original than what he ended up with here. I read it in OM and not only was it a better story - but it easily could've been shortened and adapted to fit here. It's not like every line was imperative to your story - there was penty of filler. I guess you paid the price for your own artistic ethics - because your offering here was not enough to top your competitor.

Vote -- Mr. J