Razah - this was a pretty, heartfelt piece. I have no shame in saying it gave me serious feels. Despite being a straightforward verse about a father's love for his child, you made it unique with strong rhyme choices.
Quote:
Disgusted by much but I've been amazed by your laughter
Used to question life on this Earth 'til I created the answer
|
Truth. Amazing.
Quote:
I view life in a new light & it came from your purity
I was growing sick of the times, thank you for curing me
|
Again. Hard hitting stuff.
That felicity line was pretty basic - anything that discusses the "definition" or the "meaning of" is pretty cliche at this point.
Could've ended much stronger - I don't feel like the finale really encapsulated the emotion of the whole piece. Overall though - very heartfelt, it gave great perspective and had some really emotionally hard-hitting lines.
Diode - opener is a bit rocky.. the alliteration is a nice touch, but not enough to overcome the simplistic rhyme and off-flow.
Quote:
|
that carolina sky with its rich refractive blue
|
I love this line - I listen to a lot of country music and I love the attribution of something worldly to a specific place. Like, the sky is no different in Carolina than anywhere else... but it feels different if you only knew. Anyways, I liked that line, but I felt like the following line didn't give it its due. Once again, it's a pretty simplistic rhyme.
Quote:
|
strawberry scents waft, dance, delicate.. delightful
|
did not like this.
Pirouette on puberty line is a nice touch!
Incite verbs - I don't know if a subject such as yours, which I am assuming is a young man reminiscing on lost love, would use such language.
I like the rapid fire element of the next stanza. It comes at you all at once, as young love tends to do.
The movement from youth to old age was a bit clunky. I just don't feel like this verse had the "it" factor. The storyline was basic, the rhyming was basic, the imagery and concepts used were pretty basic. It wasn't bad, just nothing really stands out for me that makes my jaw drop.
Vote --
Razah.. in a battle of two emotionally-charged verses, he ran away with better description and a more heartfelt tone.