My worst companion
Translucent relations allow moments to pass,
I'm waist deep in the grass for these omens are vast.
A structured psyche of brick buildings that crumble but last,
my face is set in stone for those tempted to ask.
I take heed in my craft and conscious but daft I bleed in this raft,
when I seeked comfort in words of wisdom Lucifer laughed.
With broken pride you stood up for what I believed in,
made purpose to grieving for the person that sees him.
The previous couplet is third perspective curses of freedom,
let's break the fourth wall to see what the author gets hurt and then flees from:
I know what I am and cuz of that I write words in rapid succession,
it's fun when you turn a mindstate to a product of depression.
And that's what this poem is - the dark underworld in search of a closure,
I keep my entities close, but my enemies closer.
__________________
I like the first stanza. It was able to hook me right into the story, while not too crazy in its complexity. It was easy to read and understand. Another aspect was the overall concept and it's execution with the POV's. However, I felt like the second stanza could have been developed a bit better when it came down to transitioning the point of views. This is the only thing I would have worked on. the closer was good and it was executed with fine imagery.
vs
maximum cadets
entering pier
please have your ID pulses on hand
(Prepare to insert for genetic verification)
Do have a disposition for earth science
and the small luxuries: a hard day's work
best friend bracelets or a bowl of hot soup
Beyond this checkpoint of barren glitz
and iron lane markers
You'll find a planet which means more
than a school project -
that was once the original point of reference
for humanoids, rhombus boys and star hooligans
dragoon ship cargo transferred
(even if you've got mandibles from an army additive
you still deserve a debt free education)
Logging in the following cadets:
ventriloquist: mike009
vacillating: Billy paradigm
torqued: Tavaris tailbridge
soldered: Henry houser
burdened: Finnegan speakathon
who - all up to their eyes in vaccines
will become acquainted with a set of species
like mosquitos, black mambas & bad screenplays
A field trip to planet Earth
(never has a return trip been so ironic
or, arguably, draconian)
I love when someone takes creativty to another level, such as this sci fi ish concept. Vulgar came up with a very very creative piece. dissecting from every angle I would have done. You could have shortned the list of log ins or made it a bit simpler.ur imagery and concepts were original and entertaining, . however with so many ideas flying,s some wording could have been tweaker
overall writing skill here for both were SHARP, but the ones who leads and takes the win is the one who was able to paint a much bigger picture. overall its always going to come down to personal preference. both are dope writers...so its pretty tough to pick a winner. Now what gets my vote is, who's ever drew & holds my attention and intrest longer. objective had more of a serious side to it..but i just thought vulgar creativity out weighed that. so Vote @
Vulgar