[Adonis]

~Round II Battle Reviews~

Pent uP Defeats GodComplex 5-2

Pent – This verse was dope for the imagery alone. I took this as a concept piece, where you basically painted a series of images using only words, attacking head on utilizing visualization as the catalyst for the travels of the typical middle class working American on his way to work. Favorite line far and away, “Tickles my senses like fire on fresh bacon”. Right out the gate you tackled a fast paced flow where the end rhyme doubled as the inner, almost like double time. You did this well, but I still felt it maybe a single line or two too long as it grew stale just before you switched it up. I enjoyed the image of the sun rising as the guy is driving, find it weird he's stuck in traffic because even during the busiest day in LA the traffic moves when it is that early, but that is neither here nor their. I wake up and commute at this time ever day, so that image really stood out for me obviously, you did it justice. Dope verse though man. Pristine in terms of execution, solid rhyme structure but conceptually this shined. You wrote about something so boring, but made it exciting to read, a painted image of my life in all reality, great read.

@Godcomplex – Nutty read man. I enjoyed out for it's complexity, but wish you had simplified this just a tad for me. What I took from this verse is a simple man who struggles with narcolepsy, switching between dream and reality but not knowing the difference, and not caring. He eventually succumbs to what turned out to be the dream world. What I struggled with is whether this became death, which you mentioned a few times through out, or whether this meant he became catatonic. This was some what of a long read, but I feel like something could have been omitted in order for you to play a bit with the ending as to not leave so open ended and allow you to paint a clearer picture. I am however nitpicking because this was a solid read. Mechanically there were very few instances where I would have rephrased or changed. You took a tough loss here, this is the first battle I'm reviewing, but I get the feeling that this has a shot at battle of the week because I'm certain your verse was better then half the other league. Time will tell. Either way, you had a great run the past couple months plus. Take some time off and get that drive back brother man. Cheers.


Witty Defeated by Cimmerian 5-2


Cimmerian – It seems you told a story of a broker flying from his high rise ledge in the most elegant and subtle way possible. I think I read this perfectly shortened verse ten times at least before I picked up on it. I will say I don't feel you hit the topic square on the nose, but the concept did strike it however, I don't care because this was a read I thoroughly enjoyed. I won't touch too much on the flow because it really was second thought for me, the story was the focal point. The flow was fluid as can be, but again, the most impressive part was word choice. The subtle usage and selection were vital towards progression. From the opening few lines about his title and position, (which by the way as I'm reading again you clearly utilized the topic well) to the finale of chasing ash. Yet again you penned one of my favorite of the week. I understand you prefer to write the shorter verses as do I, but there will come a time when this will not be enough, and Pent is that outlier. He'll study your style and use that against you.

@Witty – This was a verse about the creator of some sort of humanoid such as that movie AI with Will Smith. The creator made this and humans taught them, but in the end the humanoids destroyed the creators. This was a decent verse, just not the most original I'd say. The flow, per usual, spot on. The story line this week was easy enough to follow and not so hidden, I would have preferred this to be a bit more, behind the veil if you will, something for me to chew on. You simply told a story of this overthrowing entity, not touching on the why's or how or even the vulgar war that I assume would occur. In the end, this was a decent read but the voters had it right in my eyes. Your competitor penned something with more depth while matching your story. Your verse really didn't falter at all, you were just slightly out wrote. Point blank.









Argh Flawlessed by Mr. J 6-0

Jay – A decent read but nothing special in all honesty. I felt the pain in the story, the vulnerability of this sad song, problem is I'm not a big fan of these on net or real life. I took this read as I would someone hitting me up about a go-fund-me page, sorry, I got my own shit going on. As a stand alone verse though, the flow was solid and progression seamless. You used the topic well obviously and simply put, wrote a verse that showcased your style. Short and to the point with a powerful ending. You'll never be the most complex writer, but you'll forever be one of the most consistent. Though, I do wish I could see you write an actual verse a la the one against Buddha that we talked about. Either way, move along you shall.

@Argh – You wrote about someone playing power ball or some form of lottery it seems, and spending the final dimes on this ticket of hope as well. I regretfully worked as a gas station clerk for about a month when I was far younger and shit like this actually happened often. Sad world we live in. Solid read but nothing really jumps out at me. There was little in lieu of character build up, no real climax either. I did like the few references you added though, from burning a hole in her pocket to the entire bit about refreshing browser. There was some good to be found in this verse, just not up to snuff. But if I can be honest here, if not, fuck it I will anyways, I would have likely given you my vote. Very even battle, but I feel like you had just a bit more meat for me to digest then Jay's. See you soon, hopefully.


Diode Defeats NYCSPITZ 5-3

Diode – I liked this verse for one major reason above all else, I can sit down and read theories and articles about what you just wrote and not be bored for a few hours, so this verse played right into my hand. I took it as you simply explaining the the theory of expansion and contraction, the birth of the universe in an explosion as it continues to grow out until it finally stops, collapses into itself and starts again. I would have liked this verse to have utilized more metaphors or references to make points about some underlying meaning. Say, you eluding the expansion to life and its continual growth until she is full then collapses. Horrible example, but as is, the verse was cool, but if you used a few metaphors the verse would have been elevated into something more. As for the writing itself, I enjoyed the few splashes of alliteration, this a tool seldom used, def an old school vets tool, but it always stands out when I come across it. I will add you even used it well, often times the writer will get sucked into the trap of executing the style over actual meaning of the words, you did not. I will also add that you made it very evident you are not a poet in that opening two bars or so. Your wins and loses will be determined by the concept you can put forth because a strong poetical nuance is something you weren't able to perform. In either case, this was a highly enjoyable read for me even if it were shorter then I would have liked.

@NYCSPITZ – This was a dope read though, shit pulled me in from the start. I can't recall the name, but this reminds me of the parable or story of the guy who plays death, for his life, though I believe they played chess. In any case, this type of verse I have read before, though I thought you did it rather masterfully. From the word choice to the actions to the mood and dark scenery, you painted a complete picture while telling a full story that held every bit of my attention. I would have voted for you for that one reason, you told a story that I sat and read start to end, but if this verse had expanded into a short story of say 5,000 words, if you used the same writing style, I would have sat there and read the entire damn thing no problem. You have this writing style that is simply put, professional, I wish I could do this, but alas, I'm stuck with writing shit that I read, which is mainly articles about the world and all sorts of weird theories. In any case, this was a breeze to read my man. I feel like you went circa alias for this one, though I would have voted for you, I'm not shocked you lost. Both verses were penned well, but I felt you did more then enough to garner my vote.










Frankie Eliminated by VividlyVague 6-0

ViVi – I enjoy writing from the perspective of the other sex, but I don't often read a verse from someone doing the same. It cam off weird, you saying “He was all man”, had me ironically giggling like a giddy school girl. I enjoyed the portion leading up to the end, where you got a bit ballsy and started giving details of the grotesque happenings. Whether intentional or not, you did switch characters from the female to the male in the final bar, I hated this very much so. The entire verse you were the female in love who get fucked over literally and metaphorically then BANG!!!! You're the rapist. I liked the rhyme structure, but for some reason the change ups in the first few bars came off a bit strange, I don't know why. This was a decent verse, but again, no where near your best. Some of the multies, though I appreciate them, came off a tad forced, but not overwhelmingly so. All in all, this was simply middle of the pack in terms of this round as I'm three verses away from reading them all. This was a bad week in my eyes, but still, you produced enough to be around top 5 or so.

@Frank – I don't man, this was a cool read, but the flow was overly simple and just didn't help out at all. The mechanics in that area simply hindered more then anything. I'm not saying it didn't flow well, I'm saying it read like a newbie would write rhymes, though the story was cool and beyond a newbies skill level. I feel like you need to evolve some how, but then again, I know you are capable of writing some dope shit any time out the gate so that's that. Your multitude of forced rhymes, multies rather, really dictated where the story was going. I enjoyed the many instances of detail and though the story as a whole was quite captivating, it was simply missing that extra umpf due to the structure I believe. All in all, not a bad verse and a far better story then anything. Voters had it right though. You lacked complexity and depth to overcome this round. It was a close battle, but in the end, I would have voted against you stating something about the structure. Until next time entertainer.


Pinot Grij Decimates Soulstice 6-0

Pinot – First of all, I have seen that video countless times and it will never get old, thank you for that. This was a cool verse my man. Because I'm a huge sports fan I could have done with out the video, though the read would have been less effective because of it. This round you proved storytelling can outweigh the most complex rhyme structure. You did no tricks, you simply told a narrative with decent rhymes but kept focus, following your goal and eventually reaching it while not over shooting. This read is not the greatest you ever dropped, probably not even top ten, but the writing alone is better then anything I could produce personally, and better then what most remaining competitors could produce on a regular basis. I guess what I'm saying is, this might not be one of your crowning achievements, but it's worthy of still being a top 5 verse of the tourney so far. Scarey good you are sir. Conceptually, creating a fictional story about real life events is smart. It humanized the story while still allowing you the space needed to compose something out of left field. I haven't read your competitors verse but no doubt the win was well deserved. A top verse of the round in my eyes, good shit. I look forward to what sort of concept you will produce next.

@Soulstice – Hmmm. My take on this verse... You wrote from the perspective of a grown man thinking about the past and how much better it was. He seems to be at a cross road, wondering where the end is pointing towards, what comes next? He misses being young and adventurous and exciting. I liked the read my man. I actually think the voting, though correct, was far closer then the final 6-0 count. You wrote a verse that I would have voted for against all but maybe 4-5 verses out of the 14. Imagine if you had the proper time now? You have a knack for wording shit that just rolls off the page, nay, monitor, effortlessly. I feel like you could write a 12 bar verse about a dropping rain drop in a split second and still be able to fully snare my attention. I'm saying, mechanics wise, damn near flawless in my opinion. You gave me depth and something to truly digest and dissect before I was able to come up with my interpretation of the read, and that is why I love your writing more then just about any other competitor. Sure you don't play it safe and occasionally can miss the mark. But when I read the verse 6 times and finally get hit in the forhead with some idea as to what it all means, it just feels good you know? There are very few people in which case I can't wait to sit and read over and over again, like a game of chess, to see if I can't decipher the concept. You will be missed, your time was too soon indeed.

~Round II No-Show Shine~

Razah – I liked the ending, you started off so poetical and serious only to end with a bit of a farce in terms of the rest of the work. Not going to say anything about the flow as there is nothing else I can say that I haven't already. Again you did a lot with a little, using you style to portray a full length verse while using half of what a normal writer would. This verse is actually one of my favorites by you though, purely because of that ending. It hit me quick and lightened up the read some. I'm over these heart felt, woe is the world, cry for me twist endings as of late, so this verse came at the most opportune time. I enjoyed the bits of gore you added, but felt you should have expanded on it. I actually think you could have expanded on a lot of things. I can tell you write in one sitting, but I think you would be so much more talented if you wrote in a sitting, then came back the next day and simply built on the concept, adding lines between lines, playing with the flow and mechanics while keeping that same execution. In any case, you clearly have mastered your own style and it works as you reached the AOWL semis and are well on your way reaching the same feet here. Good luck brother man.



Pie – First off, I don't enforce the rules of line limits and shit until a competitor brings it up and you went over the 650 word limit, I counted something like 657 or so. I would watch that going forward, Pent would def call you out on that cause he likes winning. As for this read, it was long man, to say the least. The story itself was cool, didn't have much in the way of twists though. It was fast paced and action filled, which made it bareable, but this verse just seemed like it was missing something for me. Either character build up or even more gore, I don't know for sure, I just know after the couple of reads the verse becomes less and less good each time because of its straight forwardness if that makes sense. I guess if the normal voter only reads the verses once a piece you would have a shot at beating anyone, but I like to decipher shit, which this style enabled me of that, which in turn brings it down a peg in terms of my personal preference. It is nice however to get a complete story as this tournament has been primarily traditional topicals thus far, so point for that. All in all, you advance and deservedly for writing a story which kept my attention fully until the finish. Story approach might be good to take against Pent, either way, this verse would be hard pressed to beat his usual talent level.