Buddha I thought your verse was cool somtimes a little change could've made the rhymes smoother like "half detective" instead of part detective but that's minor.
Abandoning the realm of form as I enter my other corpse. Self-absorbed.
Traveling into my inner core, hell adorned, just like heaven’s floor.
^^ that flows dope and sounds cool but I just don't know why heaven's floor is hell adorned although I'mguessing it's something about rising above futility to reach a higher perspective/reality.
It is here my shadow whispers to me death in code;
As he reveals it, he entrenches a sword into what I’ve dreamt is my soul.
I felt so cold after he pulled it out and carried me to an angelic morgue.
I awoke in a cold sweat; I’m glad I did for I would have died a second more
Swerving, I slam on the brakes before another being's hemorrhaging begins.
I myself get injured, but nothing more than an appendage being stitched.
^ I enjoy the ambiguity and detatchment of this section. Nice tonality and I think setting the atmopshere is one of your stronger points. It works well here because the topic naturally lends itself to your forte.
But, just as the doctor threads the needle in—I see the menacing evil grin.
I’ve fallen again, only this time, entering into the memories of events
^^ sick rhyme
My shadow appears, accusing me of being the demon of my cognition. Not he.
I tell him “I’m not sleeping due to volition”. Come see.
We merge into one and let the scenes before us numb me;
Until I become submerged in the deepest of REM sleep.
That’s when the hungry wolf transcends sheep,
Condemned fiend surpassing the position held by the gentry.
^^^ Probably the best part of your verse, you're experimenting with more laconic wording it it's better than the more mechanical sometimes dull wording you use sometimes, which is a necessary outflow perhaps of your cognition.
The end seemed blase to me. It just seemed a bit arrogant is all, but liked the idea of being able to let go because reality is too bothersome, reminds me of rust cohle. Slow death, literal or figurative, by focusing on "your higher perception of reality" is a bit arrogant and in the end immature just imo. You're subsisting in this world of flesh and it's all so bothersome because you lifted the veil but to focus too much on spirituality defeats the purpose of a corporeal existence. I thoroughly enjoyed various lines and themes here but the ending just doesn't resonate with me.
Pent up:
Dawn of a day,
The stubble is half clean..
So sleep deprived I could trouble a crackfiend to double the caffine.
Guzzle the vaccine until the buzz is felt aptly.
The shuttle is rattling as it shuffles at max speed
^^^ very ill opener, I love the cadence of it and the double the crackfiend line is just worded like butter. Already introducing many literary elements within a condensed space and got me sort of wondering what's about to pop off next
Tumultous half beings that trust I know the way
cut, cuss, and clash as they rush to get overpaid.
Carpool for one makes the accustomed road estranged -
Today I carry the weight on rusted shoulders blades.
Dope sort of cutting insight into automatons rushing to work. I'm not really sure what you mean by rusted shoulder blades other than maybe you're being worn down by some burden but the metaphor works because razor blades get rusty yo. Thought that was a slightly strange yet effective description...Maintaining the smoothness...
The would-be conversation is a hum in my cabin
that's as forward moving as being stuck in this traffic.
People visualize life as monochromatic -
with highlights lived through hues from a colorful palette.
^^ madd dope. Flows dope and it just onnects deep on multiple levels. the precision of the wording and the multiple ideas this conveys is staggering imo. Thought u ended well here, was expecting something of an emphatic ending but you maintained a sort of serene setting which worked well.
V/ Pent up
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UNIFIED THEORY
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