Netcees - View Single Post - NYCSPITZ vs. Diode

Pinot Grij · 01-22-2016, 12:51 AM

NYCSPITZ - nice start tonally and rhythmically.

"laudable aplomb" is quite the mouthful.
"unstoppable calm" - kind of an oxymoron, no?
knowledge of man / dropped from his hand - nice couplet
same with the wisdom and gratitude / cynical attitude
the misty drawbridge - it's like your building the scene as you go along, but it totally works. I mean, you didn't need to establish location off the top of your verse, but since you've introduced that it's a meeting with Death himself, then a misty drawbridge makes sense.
burgundy cloth - this is that spitz thing where you pull random details out of nowhere
dark sartorial pick - a weird time to be mentioning his choice of clothes / strange couplet
All your rhyming about actual poker hands and card suits and shit is spot on - that's a terribly hard subject to enter and rhyme with confidence without bending your verse to the subject, but you pulled it off nicely in almost every instance
"fold you no good lazy failure of flesh!" - a big pet peeve of mine is when shit is put into quotations but would never actually come out of a living person's mouth. If you're going to insert dialogue, make it believable.
very little pretend - ???

As a matter of taste - I really hated the twist ending. I was "all in" (heh) on your Death scene and you pulled the rug out from under me for something way less thrilling.

Diode - lack of structure in the opening stanza irks me. I mean, I love the off-rhyme schemes, but I think you need at least one clear end-line rhyme to anchor things. "across / aloft" seemed too distant for me. Besides that, your diction is great. "violent violets" "unbound to sound" "frequency frequently". Loved that shit - shows a meticulous attention to detail that all writers should appreciate.

I liked "galaxies / atrophied" in the next rhyme scheme - but "tragically" and "majesty" fall too easily into that rhyme pattern that it looked a little telegraphed. "Stable orbit" sounds so dope that I was dying for a multi that I never got. Once again, diction-wise this stanza is on point, but rhyme wise it leaves something to be desired.

bits of matter twist and tatter - dope

I stopped breaking things down here because I started to follow your reasoning - which is a good thing. "Relentless bend" - once again a great turn of phrase in this verse.

I have to say, I was sucked into the world Spitz built, but felt short changed when it all turned out to be some druggie's hallucination. Diode gave a much more dense and thought-provoking piece - words were precisely chosen, yet the rhyming aspect felt incomplete

Despite the disappointment, I still enjoyed the ride I got from NYC's verse more.

Vote -- NYCSPITZ

01-22-2016, 12:51 AM	#6
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195061	NYCSPITZ - nice start tonally and rhythmically. "laudable aplomb" is quite the mouthful. "unstoppable calm" - kind of an oxymoron, no? knowledge of man / dropped from his hand - nice couplet same with the wisdom and gratitude / cynical attitude the misty drawbridge - it's like your building the scene as you go along, but it totally works. I mean, you didn't need to establish location off the top of your verse, but since you've introduced that it's a meeting with Death himself, then a misty drawbridge makes sense. burgundy cloth - this is that spitz thing where you pull random details out of nowhere dark sartorial pick - a weird time to be mentioning his choice of clothes / strange couplet All your rhyming about actual poker hands and card suits and shit is spot on - that's a terribly hard subject to enter and rhyme with confidence without bending your verse to the subject, but you pulled it off nicely in almost every instance "fold you no good lazy failure of flesh!" - a big pet peeve of mine is when shit is put into quotations but would never actually come out of a living person's mouth. If you're going to insert dialogue, make it believable. very little pretend - ??? As a matter of taste - I really hated the twist ending. I was "all in" (heh) on your Death scene and you pulled the rug out from under me for something way less thrilling. Diode - lack of structure in the opening stanza irks me. I mean, I love the off-rhyme schemes, but I think you need at least one clear end-line rhyme to anchor things. "across / aloft" seemed too distant for me. Besides that, your diction is great. "violent violets" "unbound to sound" "frequency frequently". Loved that shit - shows a meticulous attention to detail that all writers should appreciate. I liked "galaxies / atrophied" in the next rhyme scheme - but "tragically" and "majesty" fall too easily into that rhyme pattern that it looked a little telegraphed. "Stable orbit" sounds so dope that I was dying for a multi that I never got. Once again, diction-wise this stanza is on point, but rhyme wise it leaves something to be desired. bits of matter twist and tatter - dope I stopped breaking things down here because I started to follow your reasoning - which is a good thing. "Relentless bend" - once again a great turn of phrase in this verse. I have to say, I was sucked into the world Spitz built, but felt short changed when it all turned out to be some druggie's hallucination. Diode gave a much more dense and thought-provoking piece - words were precisely chosen, yet the rhyming aspect felt incomplete Despite the disappointment, I still enjoyed the ride I got from NYC's verse more. Vote -- NYCSPITZ __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.