[Objective]

VividlyVague - The opening sets the tone, pretty cool tbh. My only issue (if I should have one) with it must be ''that last white winter''. It works flow-wise but I can't quite make out what you're getting at here. Is the last winter what you're thinking back at? I'll assume that's what you're getting at as you're meeting up with this guy Dwight Spencer so I'll leave it at that but I'm still not quite sure. Some nursery rhymes that works out. But another issue that I'll stumble upon quite a few times later on in your verse is the opening word being the opening word two sentences in a row. It gets a bit repetitive for my taste. Unless it serves a specific conceptual purpose and turns into an exception of the rule it's best to avoid those as much as you can.

''This abstinent romance was like a passionate slowdance.
We basked in it, but his masculine tones matched with his cold glance.''
^ This is straight up beautiful though. Colorful imagery and I can see what's going on in front of me while maintaining a flow and rhymescheme that works really well for me.

I also enjoy the transition to the next line, it follows the rhymescheme from the internall well from the past sentence and continue on with the multi at the end of the next. Continuing on on the other hand you stumble upon the repetitive cycle again with the word ''enough'', it's too prevalent to be used twice here.

The next sentence is rhythm-based, I might be off on this as I might be reading it wrong and not catching it but I think it would have improved the flow if you had removed ''maybe'' and just leave it with ''to recap is too much'' leaving more impact as there's no doubt recapping isn't a smart or tough move and improving the flow a little bit while you're at it strengethening the line as a whole.

Nursery rhymes on the next couplet but it works with the internals. The ''I was a naive girl.'' is breaking up the sentence a little bit, could the sentence have been restructured somehow to incorporate the ''I was a naive girl''-message to the following sentence in the same line? Not sure if it would have improved it further but something to think about. Again the follow up to ''forgotten beat'' and the pressure on the e-sound from the past sentence makes the transition well on to ''scotch and blotching sheets'' I like the cadence on that.

I drank and cried avoiding the sound of our love.
And though it pounds at my heart, it's my intestines it tugs.
^ Nice but don't think you need the comma at the next line if I should nitpick.

The edge of madness was on the ledge in my wedges gasping,
The wind smashing my forehead as the weather crashes.
The sun cloaked in clouds made fall come down to harass us.
^ Pretty nice descriptive language, but the repetitive nature destroyed its potential for me.

His voice echoing in the grave of my innocence, waiving my pain for sadistic kicks.
^ Your longest line but didn't think it detracted from anything, beautiful imagery too. Enjoyed the ''echoing in the grave of my innocence''-bit, again showing what your imagery and creativity is capable of doing. Solid line.

The last lines suffers a bit from the repetitive nature but the closure was a pretty brutal and powerful twist. All in all a pretty good showing with interesting mechanics that over all got lots of room for improvement.

Frank - The long bar maniac, haha. Nah, dope first two lines that paints the picture of what I'm heading into and thus grabbing my attention. Four lines in I got to say Jane is a pretty nasty slut to say the least, haha. ''months in the rut'', aah, I see, I kind of feel for her now but damn dude, you don't save anything on your descriptive tone when describing this prostitute, I like when people don't hold back, well done.

''He introduces himself''-couplet got the same issue VividlyVague had with the start of the next sentence being the same as the last. Beside of that I got any criticism as you describe the situation and what's going on really well and introduces the new character with personality traits creating more depth to the story as a whole. The cigarette flick is another example of how you ever so subtle detail ''boring things'' that happen and make them interesting/matter to the over all feel of the verse. I kind of get a short story vibe from this piece, have you ever tried to write any of those? I think you'd do it well.

Okay, back on topic: You continue on with the same tone (which I enjoy) and the criticism I got is the excessive use of commas here: ''Jane is wide awake, as the Volkswagen enters a junction, there is a thunderous thud.'' Don't think it's needed at all here and makes it rather awkward to read.
And the building on this sentence is a bit awkward as well: ''Something becomes visible under a rug in the back of the Volkswagen'' I think if you had put ''In the back of the Volkswagen something becomes visible under the rug'' might have been an improvement to the line so the reader already knows where that something takes place at the start of the sentence.
And that something is the brother of Doug? Pretty weird place to be tbh. But so is Doug so I'll think nothing of it. So he's into LSD? That might explain some things, haha. Probably made sense for him to be there for some reason only he knows. ''Jane accepts the weed'', I can't recall her being asked if she wanted any or anyone rolling a j though (crushing and grinding is two different things as well if you were referring to him preparing something at that point that isn't mdma crystals or cocaine). Either she's smoking some now to take the edge off, tbh I'd definitely do the same.

Doug's brother sees a structure in flux, he braces himself for a rupturing rush
Like a sucker punch, a colorful gush pummeled him into a mush - a stumbling slush
^ Nice, haha.

''Doug's brother'', why not give him a name? Would have been a great addition for variations of starting sentences with something else than ''His brother Doug'', ''the brothers'' etc. A bit of a repetitive nature here as well that can be avoided with a tweak or two.

Jane just uppercuts him? Seems a bit aggressive and dangerous in a car with two randoms specially after hearing about two thugs on the run after smoking some as well, pushing him away on the other hand seems like a more reasonable approach imo. But she's crazy as all fuck so I won't delve more into it. One of the two is definitely more fucked up due to the acid than the other but still.

Definitely enjoyed the closure here as well regarding the topic. The topic comes full circle with the song playing on the radio and I definitely love the concept. The story is pretty gritty and grimy but I don't get her incentive of doing such a thing. If she was this adept at stealing things why would she try to look so beat up making a rather simple task (for her) take a long time to achieve? Does she have an agenda against the grimiest of desperate men? I mean, if she's gullible and dumb it doesn't make sense to me for her to suddenly just decide to steal the car. Doug could easily just call a cab for his brother so he can get away and call the cops on her. Also if these brothers that can afford acid, weed and other drugs on the fly rather than having a go-to favorite that's addictive it seems rather suspicious why they'd go for a slut this grimy when they could just pick up a hood rat and fuck her in exchange for giving her a hit as well, I'm sure they know some or could go for a better looking one if they wasn't going to pay anyways. And if they were deep in shit they'd probably sell their car for drugs or it would have been stolen and sold if they had debt. Why did they settle for her?

But yeah, beside of the questionable nature of the brothers and Jane's actions the concept is what I loved it about it the most. And if I look beyond my questions it's definitely a grimy and an interesting adventure for all involved to say the least that deserves praise for the effort as I did enjoy the read quite a bit.

It started out really well and then dwindled more and more towards the end, the concept with the tunes and was cool though.

Vote - VividlyVague for a more thorough and heartfelt story.