VV:
The spelling errors were annoying. I didn't want to say anything about them, but Pinot noticed as well. "it's" in place of "in", "cloths", "memoirs" when "memories" seemed more apropos. You have a habit of doing this and I wish you'd take the care to proofread.
The story took a couple reads to understand - and I think I took something away differently than PG. From my perspective, the capitalization / pronoun assigned to "Our Love" reads as a mutual rape victim shared by you (the female protagonist) and your manipulative, sexually deviant male lover. Heavy stuff. The rhyme schemes were effortless if not a little basic and sing-songy here and there. Interesting take on the topic. One of your better stories for sure.
Frank:
People got on your last round for making up adverbs and they are absolutely right. You force words that don't belong for the sake of rhyming and it is really distracting. I don 't think you really give a shit, but come on, guy. You're better than that. Also some awkwardness here - "duller then dunce". What? It was duller than what and then became dunce? Normally I'd assume you simply meant "than", but with a Frank post, lord only knows. You've got to break these bad habits. They take me completely out of the story. You're a fantastically creative person but forcing the issue for the sake of being wordy and rhyming is detracting from your work.
It was ambitious to keep the same rhyme scheme for such a lengthy tale. Doing so with low-syllable phrases and terms weakened what could have been.
The story itself was telegraphed a bit. Maybe because I know your writing all too well? It was alright. Hippie looking broad hitches a ride with two peaceniks, swerve us with the thud, swerve again - she's the one stealing the car. I liked the ending but nothing wowed me here. Usually you're saved by your eloquent, vivid scene-setting.. but this one fell flat for me. Likely a combination of the single rhyme scheme and your overuse of made-up words.
Vote goes to VV for a better story. Not as ambitious from a technical perspective, but ambition is nullified when ignoring structure to meet its requirement.
VOTE: Vividlyvague
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