Cool little battle. I thought B.E. had some great descriptors in there. I thought the beginning was cool:
t was about to storm. Reflexively refreshing the browser,
pupils fixed to the monitor, anxiety amped up around her
Nice way to build atmosphere and add some pace to the story. but to be honest the verse as a whole didn't do much for me. It read a bit dull, there was a monotone feeling to it, and even the ending seemed to lack oomph as a result. I don't think you did much to invoke emotion in the reader here, which is IMO an important facet of topical tourneyz
Mr. J dope lil story homie. I felt you did a better job of elicting emotion out of the reader, I enjoyed the sort of cynical yet "fuck it" attitude your character has at the end. I think the language used and descriptors were pretty even but for a more engaging read and better execution of ethos and gravitas, I must award the W to Mr. J
__________________
UNIFIED THEORY
|