[Adonis]

~Round I Battle Reviews~

Pent uP edges out MMLP

Pent uP – “Most prey WERE a predator first”? Not sure, but that sounds more natural to this non schooled human. The flow and cadence or tempo of this verse from start to end is unparalleled. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and concept. I'd say the concept was mad obvious by your closing bar, but, even if you omit that section I feel the concept is evident because you gave many details and examples eluding to your concept. Meaning, you executed at a very, very high level. The only down side I really can pull out of my ass is, the concept given the image was not super original, but the verse is simply solid writing. In any case, I think this was one of the better verses of the round. Nice start to a tourney, another very competitive match coming your way. G/Luck.

@MMLP – Powerful verse in all honesty. I think you could have taken this concept in several routes ranging from vividly grotesque basically explaining how gross humans are, to the more sentimental route which you ultimately went with and did so wisely. This verse has a sense of human nature to it, like it's a real person and shit. I sympathized for the young lass, though I do not share her love of not eating meat. I am full on carnivore and proud of it. Not sure of your background, but I'm going to assume you also eat meat, which makes this verse even better in my eyes. You created a character and gave her life from thin air with a stroke of the keys. You gave me a connection to her and built a story around it. This was a solid verse man. It's a shame you lost, I think you could have snuck out a couple more wins at least, upsetting some on the way. But that's how the chips fall some times.



Argh dominates 2Tripple0

Argh – Good to see the dove take flight. I enjoyed this read. I think you could have matched the topic better had you focused a little extra time on actually letting go of the wheel, or letting go of the girl. Instead, you focused on holding onto. I know I'm not nit picking here, but that's that. I liked the ending though, it was more open ended then most would choose to write, but I for one don't mind drawing my own conclusion as long as you set up the rest crisply, which you did. I could feel this mans sorrow, loved the images you painted from the color of lips stick to the scent to the laugh. You built a woman using others as examples, you gave a connection to the main character and added that heart felt longing in the mix. Top notch verse I'd say. You are not up to snuff, or what I would normally expect from you, but considering you've been gone a year I'd say you are well on track already. Next week will be a much tougher match though. Good shit.

@2tripple0 – IDK man, I can't say much about this one. It seemed with even less direction then normal bro. I want to give you advice but I have a million times over and you seem to not care, just want to write how you write and that's it. Which is fine, as long as you don't mind losing each and every week.



Mr. J squeaks by Bags

Mr. J – Man, so this was a bit of a play off of what he did, problem is it really aint about shit. I would say yours is more fitting then bags considering this is a topical tourney, but his had far more substance behind it. He had the better lines, though they were direct disses at you which puts him at an unfair advantage. You went the route of braggadocio almost, not fully swag and flow, but closer to that then topical I'd say. In the middle, nearing the end, you began crafting a particular style that worked quite well. I wish you would have kept going because you were hitting stride before you bowed out. The style I'm refering to is this sort of metaphor placement, “5'7 red head, how odd I feel” and “Blue, grass greener”. All in all, if I can be honest and blunt, a rather lack luster showing that got you the W because yours was more topical then not, but I too would have given Bags the win based on pure entertainment alone.

@Bags – Bags goes hard though. Why you gotta spit my lovely name out of your mouth with saying x0x0 afterwords? I thought you liked me, at the very least envied me for being a handsome fuck. Ah well. This verse had me laughing though. I'm not in the battle scene so I'm not sure of what is played and what not, but that line about hyphenating the last name killed this. Also liked the ten steps stomp but I'm willing to bet that's played the fuck out like your lose anus. I liked this read though in all honesty. You touched on the subject of fagot topicalists and bitch shit they write about. I agree, hate them too, but when you write so damn much eventually we all fall into the trap and write that gay pop. But I felt you said things many of us topicalist vets have thought a million times over. Bags = Voice of the People.










Witty Eliminates Pharaohs Army

Witty – I liked the ending, how you told the reader plainly to go back and read the start, it almost humanized the read, gave it your voice personally I'd say. This read was fun though man, it was in line, though not as good, as the verse you dropped a while back about a kid reading books and him just explaining all the possibilities. The way you directed the concept gave you a wide open array of shit to talk about which only helped the pace of the read. I'd say your counter part had a slight edge on use of topic, but that was his only edge. The rhymes were fluid, though nothing really jumped off the page other then that Pun line cause it made me chuckle, Dream big my friend, dream big. This was a solid verse though. Literally zero misteps or hiccups, nothing I can say truly needs fixing with out me nitpicking.

@Pharaohs Army – You hit this topic perfectly no questions asked. The read it self was a bit slow, but you kept it moving as best you could given the choice in conceptual route. You executed at a high level considering there are zero questions to be had about what exactly you tried to convey. Not sure what Manhunt is though LOL. I think if were able to stretch this verse out and utilize more examples and mix in some metaphors and a bit more detail you could have had something here. But as is, this verse was just too short for my liking. I normally prefer the shorter verse over the longer one, but this just didn't have enough excitement with in it to fully engross my mind. It read a bit monotone if that makes any sense? Not sure why, because the verse really isn't bad at all, it was just not flashy in any way I guess.



Frank Overpowers GrafX

Frankie – Nice story, but the wording was just missing left and right for me man. It felt forced, like your trying to use bigger words for some reason, but half of the time they read not necessary or missused or out of place all together. The read was cool though, you had many instances of specific detail highlighting images. The story was actually very captivating for me, but if it weren't for the poor choice in word here and there, this could have been a top verse of the round. Most of the other verse this week had some sort of deeper meaning while you went pure story-telling. While this was a nice change in pace for me reading wise, it still simply felt like it was missing something. That and the obvious, I don't think you made this story your own enough to garner true consideration for verse of the round. Decent read though, as I said, highly captivating.

@grafx – I liked the concept, the opening and closing bars about feeding the mind. I didn't particularly like the route of putting down humankind, though rightfully, for there misuse of school, drugs and athletes. You touched on many subjects and did so effectively, the issue I have is it has been done a million times before this read. So it read a bit stale for me, still was enjoyable though. Voters did get this one right. I don't know how rushed this verse was, but I see signs of a solid writer mixed in with room for improvement. Keep at it bro, look forward to reading more shit.



GodComplex Defeats Slecht



GC – I believe the fatigue is showing. In honesty, not a huge fan of this one though technically it's not a bad verse, just not up to snuff if you know what I mean? You attacked the concept early which is a sign of writing on the fly, this also hindered the structure and scheme as well. The opening image and metaphor of “four elements split, nuclear/drug reference washing us down the drain = Pangaea split is just a solid thought my friend. That resucitating a hero is a solid image too. This verse actually grew on me as I began deciphering, but that's your style, story telling and captivating. BUT, first read I didn't like the flow of it what so ever because it read choppy at parts, a bit discombobulated and directionless. You did formulate a solid concept and executed a sense of understandability on my part, just not as clear as can be. Give me quick feed on my no-show win against frank in poetry week 2 if you got a second.

@slecht – Nice few couplets there. Nothing jumps out at me though and least of which is the concept. I think you missed an oportunity to fully flesh out a solid idea. In the end, you went with a simple homage poem on photography. The writing I did like the “Siler Clouds” as I took this as them cotton balls I see directly after the actual flash. A+ on that description. I'll add that I realize either you were lazy or didn't have time or unsure about your opponent not showing (which now that I think about it has not had a no-show in about 40 straight matches, I'm going to confirm this... @Godcomplex confirmed at least 28, fucking wow!) Sorry Slech, I'm mad spacey some times. As I was saying, the writing itself showed promise but didn't have the proper room to fully breathe. Hope you sign up in poetry league, I'd like to battle you.




Razah Eliminates Innovator


First time I can read both verses on one page of the monitor, that's what's up.


Razah – Not very good man. I liked the ending, seemed like a slight at myself or your field in general I guess. Rhymes as always had rhythm, nice change of pace from the past 6 or so verses I read before your feed. You were obviously lacking in the concept department and apparently struggled with the topic, which is a shame because I could have slayed it. Less motivation I guess because you are capable of writing a concept art while still utilizing your knack for structure, though these types are far from between. Look forward to your verse regardless, it will be to the point and crisp.

@Innovator - WTF was that? Not much I can say man, the rhymes weren't even on point on point. Chuckled once, but mostly seemed low brow to me and I'm really not into this. I know you didn't try hard, but I think if you took this angle of fun and allowed that whimsical write for you, you could be onto a style matched with your awesome stoner powers and create some trouble for the rest of us.



Pinot Grij Dispatches Brokenhal0



Pinot – First off, horrible choice in character name, Jared will forever ever be a pedophile who enjoys little kid porn and slangs foot longs for a living, (pun intended). When the plot began to unfold though, from when the whipper snapper entered the ship and saw the real god and savior “The Ultimate One” began explaining what he's doing there. I'm not gonna lie I got a bit pumped up. Fucking Saturn Slam bro. You created this dream scape, not overly specific as far as scenarie due to the action you had to set up. All in all though, this verse was dope. Purely on a technical level, I didn't love it, I felt like the schemes and end rhymes were all obvious and telegraphed, but the fantastical story was clearly the main goal. I saw what you posted in the discussion forum about the ending. I will say it didn't feel added and tied the entire verse together nicely, loved the word play as well in that line. No real negatives, not as clean as I'm used to from you, though, as I said, this verse wasn't great for the usual reasons. You had fun while writing, and I had fun while reading. Thank you sir.

@brokenhal0 - WOW. I liked the ending about the allegory of the cave because I caught that reference, but the verse is a bitch to decipher my friend. I enjoyed the read, though feel it wasn't executed well enough to fully grasp, though I think that's what you went for. I'm not sure if this is your usual writing style, but I see some highlights within this verse that you def can build on. From what I can understand, this verse was about time, actually it was about a lot of shit. You mentioned the river a lot, but attempted to connect some dots with youth and death and mother all as metaphors. I don't get the overall concept, I must admit, but I won't cop out and not take a stab at it. My best guess is you wrote about the world in darkness, you in darkness, floating about this place and seeing all the evil, waiting the light to shine so you can see it for what it really is, which is where the allegory came into play. In a sense, this verse conceptually has so so so much fucking promise. I just think you bit off more then you could chew, attempting to tackle this massive concept in a confined space hindered the thought process and ability to execute. Either way, I enjoyed the read and loved trying to decipher. Hope you stick around and I get to read more work, you intrigue me.

~Round I No-Show Shine~

Cimmerian – Wrote a complete verse in under twenty lines which is difficult to do, let alone do extremely well. The thing you did well was the poetic nuances and mannerisms of style. That vivid and specific diction that weaved a story of mourning (Thank god you spelled that correctly) and loss of life. I took it as a Grandparent, which I found slightly weird considering the photo was a child, but that is nitpicking at it's finest because all in all this read was highly enjoyable. From the opening lines about crackling bacon to threading needles, you were able to compact a very many detail in such a confined space while simultaneously building not just a character, but more of a connection and emotional bond. This is a perfect verse regardless of length, no fat could be trimmed off. Cheers.


Tyson – So, first off, thank you for showing. I realize I took jabs at you about not showing in last mag, and though you didn't vote, at least it's a step in the right direction. As for this verse. I enjoyed the story and insight into a real topic, one which I was unaware of, so thank you for enlightening me. I think you wanted to go vulgar with the imagery during the rape scene, but didn't know how far to take it. It read like you had one foot in the water and one foot out. I would have liked you to go full on grotesque, though I hate reading that shit, I see the art in creating something from nothing. I liked the beginning, there wasn't huge character build up, but you gave us background into the remorse and guilt one feels while slightly touching on the pain of HIV or whatever was contracted. I think if you had built on the vile scenery as well as the emotions of the main character in the beginning this verse could have been far better. But, I must add, the rhymes were not as complex as can be and the flow was wavey in spots. But you did have some very fluid couplets as well. I can tell you don't come from the poetry background, more of a hip-hop/rap background, it showed in the style. I liked this verse, but feel like you need to create a better work of art conceptually in order to beat Razah.


NYCSPITZ – I will begin this with a word of caution in regards to the, well, wordy choice of phrasing. It was tough for me to get through because of it, and though I enjoy it, I realize I'm weirdo and not the typical voter. With that said, I loved the read. This inner look of man it seemed. I enjoyed the concepts you built around. From the flickering light and dancing of flies, you worded that shit and made it poetic as fuck man. From the stoking of souls flames to that finale of rope dangling to snapping with no gravity and hope or passion or growth floating, just out of reach. This verse contained a lot in a small space. You were detailed and had a clear focus on writing about ones inner self or soul. Decent read, you have produced far better, but still, not bad at all.


Dead Man – A verse about shooting up, I liked it for it's brevity actually, but as a full length verse not so much. The writing style was a bit off for me, I mean the cadance of the entire thing. As a story it worked fine, but aside from the story, just viewing it as a rhyming work of art, not that great. I guess I'm nitcpicking in reality though because every word was not just relevant, but vital to the concept. The way you wrote it was slick, it was like a slow reel movie or flip book, just kept pealing away at the outer layers as you inched your way to the finale and reveal. I really did like this verse. Had a sense of inner turmoil though you never even gave me a character. You gave me a powerful image of a guy catching his fix, I think more metaphors tip toeing around the obvious could have elevated this verse into another realm, but you did what was needed in order to secure a win.

Diode – Verse was not posted but was sent to my in box. I can not feed as it can potentially be used again.

VividlyVague – I looked up Stuart Sort because I didn't get the reference and came back with Utilitarianism. Good reading on that subject, thank you. As for your verse, it def seemed on a lower level of skill then you are capable of, but it still wasn't bad. You touched on many subjects and I know you accomplished what you set out to do because I feel I fully grasped what you were writing about. The veil over the eyes, from forced news coverage to multimedia addictions. You Attacked a very broad subject, though zero points in the originality department as this concept has been done to death. I will also say you didn't add a veterans twist to spice it up, you went pure writing style, showcasing your self over some gimmick, and I think you did well. Enjoyable verse, not great, not bad, somewhere in the middle.

Pie - Verse was not posted but was sent to my in box. I can not feed as it can potentially be used again.


Soulstice – Nice few couplets about man dreaming of remaining a youth I guess. I liked this but felt it was a bit short to really beat out some of the longer more polished verses of the round. Still, the writing style is yours alone and you already come out swinging following a long hiatus from writing. You knack for poetic nuances is evident, the way you write just resonates in me, drawing some connection until the concept just jumps out at me. Most of the time I'm left deciphering it because you write more open ended then obvious, but I don't mind that. It gives me a reason to read it over and over. This read as a tune up, precursor if you will to round two. I expect fire works, though as a piece alone, this was not a bad read at all.