Quote:
Originally Posted by Cimmerian
@ Pharaohs Army
You definitely should vote and share your thoughts. If people get annoyed by them, it's their problem.
I voted on the first three battles that were open. I didn't have a chance to read yours. I did this morning. My suggestions are:
1. Try to strive to rhyme more. I understand that you are of the mind that "rhyming" is best suited for violence and battling. But that's a minority view. You are essentially ignoring the library of rap music that doesn't deal with those topics.
2. Try to work on phrasing. For example, you wrote:
"but i think i'll be Sedentary- until i reach the cemetery."
The idea is great for the topic. Could it be improved by revising it to "sedentary until the cemetery?" I think so.
Anyway, I hope this helps.
Keep writing.
Cimm. |
Appreciate the comment, and also the phraseology suggestions.
I'll try to clarify-- I didn't Not Vote on the battle because I was worried about other people being annoyed by my thoughts... I didn't vote because I felt so out of my element to the point where I could not even judge, much less be fair or explanatory.
Basically, I can see that it's "good writing", but to my brain it's just too much.
I'd like to think I
can Be abstract, Write abstract, Appreciate abstract, write metaphorically, write story-telling, etc etc
But when I read both verses I just think "what?..why?"
I am not knocking rhymes.. rhymez are our thing here..
I am just saying that, in my opinion, over-phrasing something, or wording a sentence in a convoluted matter for the sake of rhyme, turns me off in topical environment, whereas in cyphers/battlez/humor/violence/brags... I consider it par for the course, and like to do it myself.
Maybe I just can't admit to myself that I'm out of my element or In over my head; lol.
--
"but i think i'll be Sedentary- until i reach the cemetery."
Could it be improved by revising it to "sedentary until the cemetery?" I think so.
(already being hypocritical) I usually think in terms of multi-syllables... so I guess I flowered that phrase up, for rhyme. lol
I'm not "stressing" these aspects, but if you'll notice "be" and "reach"... hell, I could go back even further and point out "think" and "til".
Perhaps I just see/hear things differently.
For example, in Buddha's verse:
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122388
pinot grij said:
GC - I felt like rhyming nuclear/nucleus is taking the easy road too much.
Razah said:
Although, I disagree with Pinot about the nuclear/nucleus rhyme. While reading, crucifix/nucleus & nuclear/ruined her are what rhymed to me.
Argh said:
The "sewer, dirt" and "nuclear/nucleus" rhymes were my only pain points.
I disagree with all...
from GC's verse I see:
code of Lucifer
sown to the crucifix.
(ex)plosions became nuclear
showed us their nucleus.
Now, I'm not disagreeing that we've all seen "cleaner" excerpts from GC.
But frankly I'm a little perplexed at how dope writers such as yourselves can not see these obvious multi's.
When rhyming phrases rather than words, things become much more palatable, easier to bend, and sometimes even 'cool-sounding'...
--
My own verse in this terny was nowhere near what I wanted.
Learned that unless a topic "inspires" me it is not "easy"... Something to work on / practice.
Thanks for bearing with me, with my lengthy explanations and curiosities.