Netcees - View Single Post - Round One: Frank vs. Grafx [OPEN FOR VOTES]

Argh · 01-12-2016, 11:30 PM

Frank

I hope you take this constructively: reading your piece felt laborious. From the stretched lines to the forced alliteration, I wasn't able to pick up on a regular cadence or flow. Conceptually, it was a literal take on the topic and a re-telling of the fairy tale we're all familiar with. You focused on the descriptive elements (which shone at times), but there was no twist on the narrative or unexpected character development. This verse didn't take me anywhere new. On the plus side, there were a few nice slant rhymes which always catch my eye.

grafx
You had an interesting take on the topic, using the poisoned apple as a metaphor for the ills of society. Unfortunately, the piece was supremely underdeveloped and suffered from lack of proofing. I'm probably coming off as a stickler, but when you misspell words and omit key punctuation, it's disruptive to the reader and takes away from the verse. I sense you have some creativity (such as the call back to book end the piece), and it will be able to soar with improved execution.

Vote
These verses were on opposite ends of the spectrum, stylistically. Frank produced the more polished piece and complete story line.

VOTE = Frank

- B.

01-12-2016, 11:30 PM	#7
Argh Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 34 Rep Power: 3436004	Frank I hope you take this constructively: reading your piece felt laborious. From the stretched lines to the forced alliteration, I wasn't able to pick up on a regular cadence or flow. Conceptually, it was a literal take on the topic and a re-telling of the fairy tale we're all familiar with. You focused on the descriptive elements (which shone at times), but there was no twist on the narrative or unexpected character development. This verse didn't take me anywhere new. On the plus side, there were a few nice slant rhymes which always catch my eye. grafx You had an interesting take on the topic, using the poisoned apple as a metaphor for the ills of society. Unfortunately, the piece was supremely underdeveloped and suffered from lack of proofing. I'm probably coming off as a stickler, but when you misspell words and omit key punctuation, it's disruptive to the reader and takes away from the verse. I sense you have some creativity (such as the call back to book end the piece), and it will be able to soar with improved execution. Vote These verses were on opposite ends of the spectrum, stylistically. Frank produced the more polished piece and complete story line. VOTE = Frank - B. Last edited by Argh; 01-12-2016 at 11:51 PM.