I’ll take the Intercontinental Belt back. Take it back to Parts Unknown. Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel. Then load it with the Warriors.”
- The Ultimate Warrior
Jared loves astronomy and professional wrestling
Two topics with no common ground, you’re probably guessing
With his telescope, he held out hope as he checked out the moon
That its celestial dunes were some kind of extraterrestrial ruins
Until that one night, he glimpsed within the moonlight’s glorious bask
Upon its rocky surface, there emerged the Ultimate Warrior’s mask!
Once the euphoria passed, he watched with a gleam in his eyes
Like a beam in the night, the mask whimsically careened through the skies
It was the Warrior ship! Jared thought, “Is this really happening?”
And like some astral dream, he was pulled in by its tractor beam
Through sliding doors he made his way to the ship’s command center
Then gasped, all the crew mates were his favorite dead wrestlers!
Macho Man, Eddie Guerrero, Owen Hart and Rick Rude
The British Bulldog, Mr. Perfect - now there was a slick dude!
There the Warrior said, “We never died, Jared, this was our destiny.
To protect Earth from subterranean aliens who are great at wrestling!
That’s why I had my vessel bring our sport’s most massive fan
To give you a front row seat to our huge event at Saturn Slam!”
Jared couldn’t believe his eyes - he swore never to blink
As he watched his former heroes all enter the ring
He saw Mr. Perfect grab his alien foe around its purple neck
And held it as it struggled to escape from the Perfect-plex
Macho Man defeated his opponent and after he pinned him
He put on his shiny cowboy hat and snapped into a Slim Jim
Ravishing Rick Rude faced a truly gruesome, heinous thing
But stole his girlfriend after he snapped him in the Rude Awakening
Then the Warrior took the ring in a 20-Man Battle Royale
And as the last man standing, he grabbed the mic with his patented growl
“I may be the champion, but I couldn’t win this match myself
I owe it all to Warrior Jared for reclaiming the Intergalactic Belt!”
Jared’s passion swelled, he couldn’t even fathom his fame
But he felt on top of the world as the superstars all chanted his name
It’s all a dream. Jared is a lonely boy clutching his only toy
An Ultimate Warrior action figure, his yard sale pride and joy
See, his brothers would beat him while his mom was at work
Those jerks took their anger from the divorce out on his self-worth
It was mean, his brothers put him in the Million Dollar Dream
But he wouldn’t fall asleep, they’d just hold it as he screamed
He’d think, “At school, when they pick teams nobody selects me.
I get beat up at every recess and nobody protects me.
Most nights when I go to sleep my stomach is empty.
If I died, I think everybody in the whole world would forget me.”
He held his Warrior toy and cried that night with hard sobs
His stupid brother had gotten angry and broke both of the arms off
So he looks upwards at the sky for shooting stars, he’s never seen one
And he dreams of escaping a world that will never let him be one