Asylum: Your verse was very detailed and for the most part was depicted well. However, at times it seemed to wander off the trajectory by being overly grandiose in its attempt to be majestic, and therefore seemed to get lost in its direction. And some of the description was rather odd "autumnal carpet" "salty winds"... I wasn't a fan of this imagery, yes it painted a picture but did so in a overly incompatible manner. The story itself was nice, and tragic of course, albeit some of the details in the middle where you went off track did not make much sense to me. But, the overall melancholy was done well, kind of creepy ending in many ways. Words that come to mind: Ghost like, apparations, despair, fate... Anyways, I can tell you put a lot of effort in this, and while it does show there are faults that can be rectified. Stronger rhymes schemes could add more flare, and whatnot.
Mr J: This week you went for the minimalistic approach. Unlike the other commentator I liked your ending, yes it ended kind of metaphorically abstract, it nevertheless managed to end in an impactful manner. However, my main gripe with this verse for me is the whole beginning. What you conveyed was kind of airy fairy and surreal and though the ending does not oppose this, it is riddled less with propitiations to the reader. In other words, while somewhat more captivating than asylum in its technique, the approach faltered mostly because it rooted itself in notional ideas that never really were fleshed out for me, everything felt abridged. And not because of the relatively short length, but because the notions conveyed were never made into something that took the reader somewhere outside your own mind. It felt like you went on a journey, but comparatively I the reader never felt like I was taken anywhere in the literary sense.
Therefore:
Vote: Asylum
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