[asylum]

Vv – first of all , great intro. You went right into the action and your first stanza was an impeccable introduction to your storyline. Great scheme bro. flows really well. Okay, now im a little bit confused as to if you’re telling the story of multiple characters, so these orphans are fighting now? Ok.
Your dialogue in stanza six was a little off. “sorry and stuff” just wasn’t the strongest language. I don’t see that kind of dialogue being spoken in a war zone. Be careful with quotes. Anyways, going into your seventh the rhymes just aren’t there. I think hysterically and upstairs could see matched up a bit, I guess since you’re talking about tears levitating at this point I’m not going to really hold it against you because it read fluidly, probably skillfull syllable count and a few connecting vowels.. anyway you pulled that off somehow.. no offense. This verse is dope. Continuing. I really really enjoyed how your storyline came together. This was some off the wall shit and how you dropped the picture right in the middle of the verse was awesome. Reading through a second time.. I liked how in the second stanza, my bay and my face were paired flawlessly. Unorthodox schemes, im a fan of. Strongest stanza imo,
We all crawled closer to the carnage afoot, amidst the blazing cannons.
The jagged rocks and pebbles scathed our legs and hands up.
Wincing as I trudge, my hands felt through the flesh and blood.
It squished like mud as we drew closer to the men that never budged.
Imagery, +5. Soonafter I really liked how you stretched diversity to dispersed on release. And that stanza right after the picture is fiiire bro. I would have liked beings to rhyme with something but I’m not voting on it. Just some opinion thrown in there. OVERALL, this piece was sick as fuck. But honestly bro the line breaks I’m not a fan of. Especially so many of them. You did a really great job here, but you jumped around a lot and it affected my feelings about the piece as a whole because I truly felt like I had no idea what was going on until the end. Although yeah, it was dope, the enjoyment of the reading process, for me, was taken down a little bit by the line breaks and the disjointed storyline. That being said, this was an incredibly creative take on your image and you did an outstanding job at nailing the fuck out of your topic this week.

Nigma – so the entire time I thought you were talking about an actual alien. Then I started to figure out. Your story is very powerful. I think bouncing around of tenses was creative, and it didn’t both me too much because you explained clearly that you were in fact bouncing between different time periods. Favorite bar..
i left my mother, she stayed at home in hopes of representing our honor
left my father glued to stone, he embraced a poem and deaths the author
This explained a lot of the story while rhyming exceptionally well. I don’t see that frequently, usually it’s the opposite. The lines ending in sockets experience and bombings and pyramids was fucking fresh too. You really had to spell out what was going on in your end bars, and I appreciate that you did so. All in all I enjoyed the middle of your verse the most and I feel your intro was more intended to throw off your audience into thinking it was about actual aliens. So, you pulled that off well. But it wasn’t very subtle.

MVGT – VV took it this week for me because I enjoyed his piece in the end more and both verses had their own ups and downs. VV’s mechanics also helped, I enjoyed his more. If nigma had polished his verse a bit more he might have taken this. VV tried his ass off because he knew he would have a tough battle, and he did. Great job to both competitors.