Confessions: Being a Man.
He said, "I don't owe you shit! Hell, nobody does!"
My hands and lip trembled as the tears fled the ducts...
I balled up inside, knowing this was just the beginning.
"He'll love you. Just wait it out." I talked myself out of winning.
I was born my momma's son- bold, inquisitive, brash.
I wasn't afraid of putting a couple screws to my dad.
Shit, I even questioned calling him that! I was just trying to grow
with my 'father' at 18, this time he played a pivotal role.
Still picking up pieces from my broken youth, I spoke the truth.
"You sound just like your mother! What the hell did she do to you?"
She explained that he wouldn't love me, he never could.
But life is taught through experience, and I understood.
"These feelings have to be felt!" I would keep telling myself.
Seeing this addicted drug dealer extort all of his sales.
One customer was my uncle. I watched all this shit happen.
He coaxed him to give up the purchased stash from the attic.
I turned a cheek. Second strike. Not sure if I should be here,
Faking the feeling of welcome by his baby momma and yeah,
He had two sons with this bitch. I was clearly the black sheep.
I wasn't a factor. Bun in the oven had me taking the back seat.
"Don't worry, you can live with me..." he said. I was so glad!
Now I'm looking for jobs just to get him a little dope cash.
He demanded I get welfare to help the family out.
I qualified and passed the quiz, and they maxed my account.
300 in stamps, 300 cash... monthly workshops for a job search.
The Walmart worker salivated when he heard how much his pawn was worth.
"Fuck." He's just gonna use me like the countless women he cuddled.
No respect for his own blood... offspring are just prey in the jungle.
"No. I ain't doing this." My self talk in the rain helped me home.
One look at me and he saw something had changed, "Something wrong?"
"Yea. I'm rolling out." I said in a timid tone, confidence up...
"What?!"
Angry, I snapped, "I don't owe you shit! Hell, nobody does!"
He was in complete shock as I left the house with my bags,
to live atop a church with my pregnant sis, paying her hospital tab.
Months later I asked about Dad and they said he violated parole.
Failed a piss test at Walmart. A son was born he wasn't able to hold.
Thank god! That kid now has a chance to be a man, unfaltered.
That ordeal made me swear to be the best possible father.
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Ahem.
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