The whole first stanza was ehh...your grammar is horrible.Flow goes from sorta there to sloppy, whatever multies you have attempted seem forced...word usage is odd, the openin' line almost made me close the thread & not comment @ all tbh...positives? Conceptionally your experimentin' with shit...they may not come off, or miss the mark completely but there's definitely potential there.. alot of room to expand things, whether it's thru better use of words or what not...I see it.
Join the leagues here man, great writers competin' against you will only strengthen what's already in your arsenal...& add more strings to that bow of yours, which @ the moment isn't shootin' directly @ the reader to resonate much.
Stay upwards.
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