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Old 05-05-2013, 11:44 PM   #9
zygote
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Objective, enjoyed the slant rhyme schemes employed. The old traditions-coalitions-stoicism one being particularly effective. Every week you are really improving, each writing being better than the previous. The only issue in this verse is still very abstract in parts, your best highlights are the areas of clarity (E.g., "a warrior in depth of his own issues ready to fight the might of personal misuse,") now compare this line to its follow up line (E.g., "where greed grew to resemble an ogrish ghoul with more strength than Vishnu's,"). Perhaps your style is much stronger in the first, I don't know. I feel your strength lies in clear narration and your strong writers voice, when you use these slightly off-putting analogies/similes, it perhaps weakens the writing rather than strengthens it.

Mike Wrecka, excels in the area where there was some criticism for Objective. E.g., "meaning were out of time, so if we don't become a victim of climate/
well still be trapped on a dying planet, like a prison confinement," - the similes were apt throughout and they added to the message, did not detract from the clarity. Enjoy the simplicity and consistent pacing of your writing. Feel as though you are not rushing any story, line-by-line you are revealing more details, until your conclusion which was also strong.
Voted for Mike Wrecka.
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