Mmlp – well you’re starting off really smooth. Enjoying the read so far. Well I think your piece was touching and all. I think your voice was good too. Lots of emotion in the piece. But uh, you kinda went from a letter to a news bulletin? How did that happen? Ok. Ignoring for sake of appreciating good writing. “firing down our crews” rhymed with nothing. Maybe the ew and oon of crew and platoons but otherwise nope. Can you tell I don’t like voice changes? Anyway. This line is awesome.
Lying in bed as death looms over me like the happiest neighbor.
That line was pretty creepy. “like the happiest neighbor.” Lol. I liked that. So apparently this guy was super in with the characters daughter who was definitely not born at the time of the letter being written. So that was kinda fucked. The whole love story was very touching and it indeed echoes the experiences of millions of people from that conflict. I think you’re really playing off the tragedy of the war itself and not worrying to much about being cohesive and writing soundly. But you know, as hard as I’m being on you, I actually did like it. Very much. Great verse man.
Eth – Well. I don’t like your line breaks but I am ignoring them because you can limit your pieces flow in any way you like. The abab scheme was pretty cool, actually. You pulled it off pretty well but “my arresters jumbled” felt forced, to me. Apparently the patient was daydreaming and realized what was going on for a second before getting the thorazine again. I think he is at home. So that’s nice, good for his family. Ehh.. that ending was weak bro. “something about alzheimers disease” I guess it’s hard to rhyme off alzheimers. And technically you did have to say it, but for the record I was pretty sure that this was a dimensia patient before the last line. Overall I think this piece was strong, I enjoyed it.
You did an exceptional job at nailing the topic. Since the person was still at home and clearly needed inpatient treatment. You really nailed the phrase on the head with your content.
/v eth took this by a cunt hair. Just because he did a very good job of nailing his topic and I have no fucking clue how mmlp’s verse relates to that picture or quote.
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