Exis the way you align your thoughts seems fragmentary and makes it seem choppy at times. The material itself is simple but easy to read. Not much to say about it other than that. I think you should add more story, less platitudes of a narrative, be more creative.
Copy: Yours was also simple conceptually. Your flow was more rhythmic and consistent, essentially the theme is one of losing one's childlike side. I thought when you were closing in you could have made a point to it. It reads like a rendering of it just happens, without any positive or negative connotation. In some instances, this is fine, but here there was no moral for the reader to really grasp on at the end, you left it for them to decide, but doing so left a yearning for something more, and it would have complemented your humorous rendition.
Vote: Copypat
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