2k – first few lines didn’t rhyme too well, bro. this was my favorite part.
she must belong to an internal world one that was part of her death
since sunshine and twinkle twinkle in the stars where she slept
the oceans that would crash on the shores like waves
and she left traces of drugs bashed with chemicals in her veins
ones that would put her to rest and for an eternity of sleep
sleeping beauty is a sweetheart that won't make a bo peep
you’re definitely getting better. but waves and veins doesn’t really rhyme. Start using inners rhymes. Rhyme two words in the middle of a line that doesn’t necessarily have to connect with the aabb end rhyme scheme. It makes the read more enjoyable. You’re lining up vowels really well in your end rhymes, but you need to start connecting that with your consonants as well. After your first write, go back through it.. and say it out loud. You will find the holes inside your mechanics that need to be addressed that way. That being said, you are improving. You hit the topic pretty well, definitely stuck to the tone. Good job sticking to the picture. It was definitely on some fantasy. I think you should work on setting.. if this had happened at a place you described, like a dark basement or a garbage filled alley behind a huge apartment building, by a dumpster.. it would have felt a little more tangible.
Spoken – Ok so I’m pretty sure your interpreted the picture as a female therapist in a prison. Your end rhymes didn’t always completely work but they were definitely good enough to get by. Flow was pretty good. Your voice was a little off to me, but you definitely got your point across well. An enjoyable read.
My favorite bar from your piece was this one..
These are questions I have hexed in hopes of finding the truth,
Because she tells me that barely she escapes the madness from u.
and I also enjoyed the entire beginning of your second stanza.
/v spoken – took this with mechanics. His story was also more developed.
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