MMLP – hey man this verse was really sick. At first I thought it was an actual baby, but right about “strolls in the park” I started to get the hint a twist was incoming. Although your content here is extremely good, I think the best part of this piece is it’s flow. I truly enjoyed the way you wove the story together and seamlessly told your tale. Really good shit, excellent writing. Great piece. Some of my favorite parts, were your 7th and 8th stanzas in their entirety as well as this bar..
we danced in the street with games of tig-tag
i out ran them in weeks or least they made me think that
Extremely familiar story told in a heartbreaking, true to life way. Powerful stuff bro.
VV- wow bro! this verse is pretty fucking cool. It’s REALLY packed with content. In the end, your characters were shady cops trying to steal the thiefs pull after a bank job or something? That’s what I got from this. You’re pretty much living true to your namesake, as usual.. but IMHO I don’t think the character development had the desired impact on the outcome of the verse. It was getting pretty into it when you threw blood bags out, I’m just like why the fuck do they have bags of blood? Idk. Pm me, please. Lol.
The waves of light passed through the windows, illuminating metal.
Black leather and cloth garments hid as if timid and gentle.
But this band was anything but. Hans was heavyset.
Carried drills to jobs with little effort. Punched walls with the very best.
Gus was Gus. All knives and hacks... Grav Maga student, IT tech.
Blake was ever vigilant and level. He quickly earned the crew's respect.
That first bar started out with some excellent imagery. Assonance was good too. had a really comforting feeling, to me, for some reason. I enjoyed Gus’s description, but blake’s was kinda meh for me. No offense just.. didn’t really feel all of the character development. Your setting was really good, a bit all over the place but still good. I needed a little bit more action. The beginning of your verse really set me up for some fucked up violence and man, I don’t think I got enough of it. If I didn’t go into the verse prepped for a lot of it, I think I may have been able to enjoy the story a bit more. Mechanic wise, I think some more inners would have been of considerable benefit. Also, your assonance was a little off. Gotta polish those sets of similar sounds up a bit for them to have the desired effect.
/mvgt – MMLP took this by incorporating his twist into a seriously heartbreaking scenario. I didn’t see it coming, and it was a swift kick me right in the feels. I feel if VV had thrown in some inners and carried his rhymes a bit, this would have been a much harder decision. Nice battle guys, thanks for the effort! Enjoyed both reads.
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