Tripple- I'm not sure how to feel about this. I want to be honest, but I want to be compromising. Fuck it. I didn't like this piece. There was so much Not going on that it drove me nuts. I'm sorry. There was barely any rhyming focus, the story was confusing in its usage of tenses and events, and words were improperly used all over the place. I found it hard to get into this, let alone enjoy it at all. I'm not sure what else to say other than that. I admire the effort you put in to put the piece together, but I think more thought and time should have gone into this work. Good job for showing to any degree though.
Spoken- this was interesting. Even though your piece suffered some of the same plagues as Tripple's drop, you still came out sounding coherent in most cases. You misused and misspelled more than a few words. Your first large passage was kind of confusing though. Its point of view seems to be three fold: father, mother, and psychiatrist, yet none of these are properly represented in syntax(italics, quotes, perspective devices, etc. ) so it came off as a big muddled excerpt with lingering ideas blurted out like a case of tourette's. You did make some points and arguments that gave the piece a soul, but your execution just needs a lot of work. The rhyming was ok, nothing stellar, but it was evident you made an attempt. Overall, I think if you wrote more and explored your linguistic capabilities you could have spun this into something greater, but right now it comes off as flat due to the poor execution. Thank you for putting effort in though. I saw glimpses of potential in your story. Good job.
I think both of these writers need to show up every week to get some much needed practice. I think they can both become greater threats if they focus and read, then write. This happened to come down to the more composed piece and MVGT Spoken for the better drop. Thanks guys.
__________________
Ahem.
|