Mr. J- you had me, then lost me, then had me again. I think I might take a page from your book on the whole no quotations thing. But me aside, I thought this was kinda cool. The final line didn't quite resonate with me perhaps how I would imagine it was supposed to, but I like the literal spin you put on the quote. The technical aspect didn't shine as much as I know you for, but as a standalone piece it was a sound drop. The parts where you lost me were the perspective shifts between the protagonist and antagonist. It was like a game of 'wait for it... wait for it...' where I was waiting for just enough details to develop to gather a proper understanding of what was going on. Lol maybe that's how it is reading my shit. What a hoot. Anyways, good job J.
Spoken- this would have been a great read, had it not had so much weird wording and autocorrect errors. I feel as though from one line to the next, the possibilities were greater for this to be a nice cohesive work if one technique in flow was consistent. I saw some lines that were like "ohhhhh shit, he about ta go off" then it completely abandoned that arrangement the very next line. Maybe you haven't developed that part of your writing yet or you rushed the narrative, but what I learned is subject matter, flow, and language are a package deal. The moment that that is not your agenda, you stand the immediate chance of a landslide loss. All that said and subtracted, I liked the intention and the subject matter and I appreciate the final thought. It was very in-your-face and IMO added a little angst and authenticity to what you were doing. Good job.
Both these gladiators went the storied route this go-round and both had somewhat compelling daddy stories. I think Mr. J stuck more to the topic, but I liked Spoken's subject matter more, as it felt a little more personal and authentic. My final decision came down to who brought more of the total package to this battle and that seemed a bit more obvious here. MVGT Mr. J
__________________
Ahem.
|