[sral]

I preferred the beginning over the close, it felt more inspired.

At times your multi syllable matching is a syllable or so out which affects the flow slightly for me and makes it a little disjointed. Ironing that out of your game and making sure the multi syllable rhymes match perfectly would help in that regard.

Another minor thing really is that you at times seem to put the rhyme before the content, then try to work backwards in effect rather than letting it come naturally.

I refuse to blame myself, so, I'd tie this noose to every dame I helped,
kick the stool away and dwell, hope the life spews from the way she swells.

This line in particular highlights what I said above, it's almost like the end of your second line is an afterthought that happens to rhyme. Do you see that? It seems disconnected from what you were saying in the first. It feels tacked on for the sake of the rhyme. What you should really be doing is having more of a text battler mentality when writing these couplets, almost with a "setup" before a "punch" in effect. I think that would benefit you a great deal, basically the "kicking the stool" part was the great follow up to your first line there - but the end of the line was pretty much redundant and felt out of place (even though I know WHY you did it, to keep the scheme!)

Reading further on, I enjoyed that you toyed with the rhyme scheme and switched it up around the "heart tire/ spark fire" section. Your shit read a lot better with the triple-multi string around the "eyelids open" section. The cadence switched up, I read it almost in double time. It's difficult to do and still retain the content - but I can at least appreciate its difficulty from a technical perspective (even if I wouldn't suggest doing that for excessive lengths because it can get redundant itself, and a tad predictable due to the repetitive rhyme placement, also the content tends to suffer when this is done!)

I know, I used to do the same thing. The rest was pretty cool, I guess, given my penchant for the morbid and dark. It wasn't as creative as I've seen from you, but it wasn't bad at all.

Keep that pen moving!