Mmlp- you did well for yourself here. This was a simple story draped In safe rhyming and structure, not a bad thing at all. In fact, this is kinda hard for me to do admittedly. I liked this because it was accessible, but not elementary in execution. Good solid work here.
Bobby- This story was a good angle to me, not really original, but could be a solid contender if effectively told. I felt a sliver of soul beneath this to relate to, but that's why it fell short. The technical aspect of this piece was very basic, making the story aspect standout more. Usually when you set up a drop like this the story needs to hold its own, and in this case it was kinda flat or one-dimensional. The climax/transition was bordering on terrible and that is what I noticed the most:
The time was lost, there was no grasping the past mistakes,
Tried talking it out but no-one could ever damn relate,
The frustration was fading, Erased all of his damaged states,
and rose from the ashes with plans of getting a family raised,
For me a story like this needs to have an impactful impression on the reader or be technically exceptional, and for the most part it didn't capture either of those areas too well. Overall this was a good attempt, but I wanted more from this. Thank you for the drop bro.
Overall this was an ok battle. I think there is plenty of room to grow with you two, but there is definitely potential for better pieces to come out. Keep it up and don't get comfortable :)
MVGT MMLP for the more sound and better executed verse. Good job guys.
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Ahem.
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