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Old 10-08-2015, 03:17 AM   #4
Pharaohs Army
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Battle Record: 6 - 14



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dope.. very nice syllabic structure/flow/&rhymes

personally i disliked the violent sublime phrase... seemed like a force for a rhyme, unless i'm missing some meaning of that phrase. Even if it means what i think it means-- don't like it there... everything else I'm a big fan of.. especially liked how you speculated on what he used to be / why gold is his achilles heal..

Maybe he used to be a king, or maybe a poor rover,
or maybe wedding rings remind him of a warm shoulder.
Reminds him of life and how it was before the possession,
before the ride became his source of aggression.

nice. first two lines here "speculation", 2nd two lines a "rhythmic summary", so to speak.

He's not a figment of Halloween, he's a limitless demon,
collecting hollow screams from spiritless regions.

dope couplet

Searching the land for something beautiful,
but if you see him, plan a touching funeral.

straightforward and (to me) funny. i like that rhyme a lot lmao kind of an example where a simple adjective works well...

if "not liking" violent sublime but "liking" touching funeral makes it seem like i'm sending mixed messages, sorry, it's just the way i see it. Guess I would say(in my view),in one instance it didn't work, but in another it worked well.
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