Foreclosure around the corner, drowning over and over,
shoulders grounded like boulders, traveling like soldiers and rovers.
I told her daddy was getting older, going forward gets colder,
she said "we are getting closer," showing bolder composure.
^^^
Im the type of person that likes using rhymes like this but this was overkill for me
the progress of the story is nice but when I reach the soldiers and rovers Im done
its nice to let go of some of these lines like this and switch it up before going on & on
its cool but I wanted a bigger pop at the end of that section than a barrage of rhymes
either way as I keep reading you really rounded down in the end bringing some nice groundwork
I enjoyed your verse for the most part, just didnt like that section really...
Spoken, I would like to quote something from your verse but I dont think I can
your verse comes broken into fragments of nice ideas and missing the target.
regardless you had the potential to craft a stronger verse had you taken more time
with that being said I feel your performance should applauded for its valiance
nice work...
v/I feel as though that Dearg came with a more well-rounded verse for all to read
his verse had a random set of lines that would make a person laugh upon first reading
but isnt a slouch as far as building his verse around some impressive use of rhyming
Spoken on the other hand would have had the better verse had he used time to edit his verse
worked with his ideas and made them more fuller I feel it would have been an evenly leveled match
either way I have
v/Dearg
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.....laugh....and the world laughs with you
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