[Sn00p]

Shell casings for pavement. Walking on broken eggs
^this line had so much potential. it's one of the best of the verse. but i don't like that u said "FOR pavement". that sounds like, "it's almost as if shell casings were their pavements", which implies that they aren't. but what u are saying is that they, in fact, are. so i feel like this could've been more powerful "pavement of shell casings" or "shell casings are their pavement" or w/e. u get the idea. i just don't like the "for" to connect the two concepts. yes, i'm probably nitpicking, but especially in poetry, it's the small things.

Scrambled radio frequency distorting the rains flow
^loved the scrambled tie in w/ eggs

Fox holes fox trotting along the trenches seeking shelter
^nice allusion to the nato alphabet. subtle things like these are the most powerful imo

Trigger fingers dull from the pulse of each bullet
^this felt very vivid. especially the word pulse. nice description/visual

Penetrating innocence until it devours it hole
^if this misspelling was on purpose, it's actually kinda dope, becuz then u can read the line as, "until it devours it - hole", meaning that only a hole is left after everything else's been devoured. if not, proofread ur verses lol

With false propaganda fueled by government aid
^this is way too obvious for my taste. false propaganda is such an absolute, unsubtle, blunt way of saying it. leaves nothing to the imagination/interpretation

Whats the price to pay in order for the toys to play
Not much.
^again here. too blunt. u don't have to answer the question. just leave it as a question. that's FAR more powerful. but the question itself was dope. just leave out the answer. the poem loses nothing if u exclude it and gains nothing if u add it

Will is subjective. Freedom isnt absent, just misplaced
These slaves with no accents. Thinking they are righteous
Beleiving in there sergeants, ordered to go blind.
Diving from the edges, blindly following laws and badges
Right or wrong is outcasted.

You dont get payed to think. HOOORAHHH!!
^some of the last part is again too literal for my taste. e.g. "blindly following laws and badges". the last line's dope tho. maybe it would've been even more powerful if u made it clear that the "u don't get paid to think" part is an interruption of the exact thought processes that took place earlier in the poem. doing it like this for example:

These slaves with no accents, thinking they are righteous,
believing in there sergeants, ordered to go blind;
diving from the edges, blindly following laws and badges,
right or wrong is outcasted —

You don't get paid to think. HOOORAHHH!!

This way, the punctuation is ongoing, flowing w/ the thought process until the interrupting "stop thinking!" in the last line. idk. that feels like a dope end to me. yours was good as well. btw, i'm not telling u how to write ur shit. i'm merely saying how i'd write, and not so that u write that way, but that u understand how i'd do it & why i'd do it that way. & then u can take that into consideration when writing smth. so yea, sorry if this feels condescending or smth, telling u how to write ur own verses.

i liked ur verse tho. i had some rly strong strong points and some shit i would've done differently/think could've been improved. also, proofread ur verses lol



Mysterious girl,
Please give me a sign
A horoscope couldn't describe you
Yet our stars are aligned.
^sign - horoscope - stars aligned. nice tie-ins. but "a horoscope couldn't describe you" feels somewhat off to me. it sounds like "EVEN a horoscope couldn't describe you", but that's now what horoscopes do

Fractal body,
^nice
In every shape and size
^huh? her body is in every shape and size? i think smth like "transcends shape and size" works better. ur version implies that she is either multi-bodied or all shapes and sizes at once. and that seems to be going against the rest of the poem

Perfectly loveable, emotionless eyes
^"perfectly loveable" seems a bit mundane for such on otherworldly lady

Exploding inside,
^nice rhyme scheme

completely astral.
^liked this

She can cry me a river, never casting a cloud.
^ehh, this is too idiomatic. feels somewhat old/cliché

The epitome of pure
Romanticism blossoms,
The years are a blur.
^she is the epitome of pure romanticism and as she blossoms, years rush by in a blur? i like it

She's one for the ages
Ageless and passionate
Transcending perfection
And charmingly adamant.
When I gaze at the stars
There's nothing I'd rather see
Than the love of my life,
My wife;
A Pisces

the whole "otherworldly, astral, fleeting figure" thing worked at some parts, where u executed it well. i liked those parts. some had real nice lines. but it didn't work (at least for me) at the parts where u became a bit cliché. for example in the last paragraph: "the love of my life". that's such a cliché thing to say. no offense at all, but if you spend the whole poem talking her up and making her seem like this astral goddess, you can't apply these overused, mundane, worldly phrases to her. if u had kept the fragile, transcendent tone throughout the whole piece, it would've really worked. especially w/ the picture. and that would've made the ending that much more impactful, because the contrast would be even greater, between this crystalline goddess u described and in the end, u reveal that she is just a normal human. but it doesn't rly work (at least for me) w/ cliché phrases thrown in before the end, because those make her seem normal before the revelation. your piece still had some strong lines and nice plays and tie-ins. like i said above, don't take this as me being condescending, telling u how to write. it's just that my process when judging these things is to go thru them and think about how i would've done them and then make these thoughts transparent as a basis for my judgment.



i think i gotta give this to innovator. both poems could be improved in some areas in my humble opinion. but i had less gripes with inno's piece i think. ydk had a really good idea imo, that lacked a bit in execution, which, in turn, made the idea seem not as brilliant as it was. this is really close tho, plus it's a poetry battle, so it's hard to decide a winner anyways. but i got innovater. also, this was definitely a pleasant read. i enjoyed both verses and both had some lines that made me stop & think about them. which is exactly what i hope to get out of these kind of pieces. props to both.
v/innovator