I feel like you could easily have been taught in my high school English class. Everything can be worded 'badly', in that maybe it isn't grammatically right or maybe the words don't seem to fit together, but you just have a way of making them fit perfectly. Like using scissors on a jigsaw. Little things like just putting forward slashes in your line to list things that were happening without any actual "this is what's happening". It's really hard to write like that and it's definitely reminiscent of some of those older poets we studied in class.
The assonance was crazy near the end. Like someone mentioned above, you venture across the border into tongue twister territory which is always risky because topicals have a lot of influence from rap as well and tongue twisters throw the flow off of a rap piece extremely easily.
I can't say I'm specifically a fan of this piece. I found the lyricism to be a little bit below what I remember reading from you a while ago, but I can't not respect the insane attention to detail, the combination of how relaxed you are with the rules of language and how well you put that into action and the overall imagery of the piece. Always worth a read.
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