[Mr. J]

This was a cool piece ClutsraL...I thought you provided a well thought out landscape
preparing the reader for a 20,000 leagues under the sea type of expedition, I like it
although at moments you came across a little off putting with the way you progressed writing
I feel like this could have used a little looking over & made more effective on your behalf

She glides through a garble of gulfweed at the bed of the Lunar Sea
hiding from Narwals with a false sense of security.
At these depths she had used to feel safely assured
yet a desperate unsurety now played on her thoughts.
Her great metamorphosis meant she'd nowhere left to stay

^^^
I thought that effected you the most, I was caught in a training course from here
my thoughts had become an attic that had experienced an earthquake, I'm off-guard..
I stumble as we progress and I think it was about 'a garble of gulfweed' I felt tossed adrift
the use of Narwhals had caught me off guard as well, you present a great concept
but you stumble upon these moments & unsurety...well that was an ill used idea as well
yet you held me on towards the end & that's what made this enjoyable to me..
nice work on picking it back up towards the end...


Timeless, I can tell by that opening I'm going to hate your piece..
I feel betrayed when I started reading it & was like why would he open like this
and maybe that was your starting point & you liked it and just left it...
regardless as I progress into your piece, it gets better (for the love of god)

Step for step we're caught in hollow bear traps.
Less and less we fought to follow snare claps,
So instead we stared back and upped the destruction.
Hoping to make it, we raked in followers who loved our production.
We tore the city down, infinitely bound to the outskirts.
Simply we found that lightning strikes when a cloud bursts.
^^^^
I thought the way you painted the scenery with your words was dope
that really added some umph to your piece, you know what I mean?
not sure if I really enjoyed how you ended that section but it was cool
I enjoyed this regardless...

Tomorrow, a new border war's tsunami will cross lines in each state.
Future is now, unfold your origami-boxed mind for a keeps sake.
Or... You can drown with ease with the sounds of peace.
Tit for tat we're shattered, laughter impounds our dreams.
It all matters when you're lost, at the cost of life to many.
No one can see it coming, running off, no end in sight aplenty.
^^^
The imagery here was dope, the transitioning was kind of off but no matter
you really rack up some points here for playing with the concepts you had
they your progression as a writer, but I didn't really enjoy that closing section
'sight aplenty' just sounds weird as you read it and I don't think it worked how you liked..
or how I would have liked...regardless nice work...



v/this is tough choice due to both coming out the gate punching
I feel like ClutsraL brought a more focused piece as opposed to timeless
although timeless didn't lack, I see he took the ext. so this was impressive
it's a daunting task to come with something on the fly when you get a topic let
get minimal hours to write, you really shine here...nice work...
your opponent on the other hand came with a much stronger piece...
therefore v...Clutbuck