Rak, I understand that you are going for a more 'letter' based idea
but as I start reading it I feel like I'm listening to DMX, which is cool
it's like minus the ad libs, & I can't really quote too much without it taking away from something else
it had it's ups & downs but you powered through that shit and made it work
which I admire, it came with a point from the beginning & you have to make it to the end to understand
which makes the piece work with it's faults & it's peaks, very admirable work here brah
through the driest of donuts, the stalest of coffees,
and the cigarette breaks (most prefer a pack of lies, with a maelstrom of coughing).
tonight was mostly the same, as ever. the repeated, lame endeavors;
'one too many long islands.' etc. the first speaker stood plaintively,
not even old enough to hold the whiskey sours you used to make for me.
i hit on her during a break. i thought our eyes had exchanged
^^^^^^
This is what makes reading your work so entertaining when you show
I really enjoyed the descriptive layout that you had brought to your piece
it shows your versatility to weave such a pattern of ideas and make them rhyme
this felt like I'm standing in a crowded bar while an old jazz musician is tellin' a story on stage
smoke filling the room & shit, this was a dope way to draw the person in though
either i've lost it, she's gay, or the rules since the nineties have changed.
i don't know. nor do i care, really. it was only a test run, that.
a test. to shake off the rust, for when my best comes back, for romantic rejoinder.
it gave me a smile. the thought gave me a buzz. i danced in the foyer.
^^^^
This was smooth, the transitioning was powerful here & seemed fun
I enjoy how you dance around with the scheme & bring that emotion to your character
this is neat..
I really enjoy the working you did in your verse, very nice stuff
v/Dancake, brah this battle was nice, but I feel like Dan stole the show here
he really brought some different dynamics to the league with this verse
it had all the enjoyable uses of verbiage as well as a decadent story as we progressed
I thought what Rak went for was cool, but you already know how it would end
when you do a 'letter' based concept you pretty much prepare yourself for tunnel vision
you unfold the story calmly and add some really 'human' aspects to the topic
while Dan comes across more technical and smoother you just couldn't compare...
v/Dan
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