View Single Post
Old 08-24-2015, 10:29 AM   #9
Vulgar
Razor-thin derision
 
Vulgar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25

Accomplishments
- OM HOF

Champed
- Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)

Rep Power: 49604320
Vulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant futureVulgar has a brilliant future
Default

Godcomplex - It's prototypical of you to take on a theme, and paint the five points it represents, giving the reader a supple overview of an entire arena of the panopticon. I thought this was good but not your most stirring work. The thorough exposition approach can border on, if you don't mind me saying so, a certain degree of blandness. It's like if you're reading a book on astronomy, and you reach a chapter where the writing is dense but less enchanting than the more imaginative sections of the book. This is one of those serious demonstrations told in crisp detail - yet it loses some of its own lustre and magnetism in its attempt to be scientifically correct, gradually paced, and in general, pleasing to read. Something more challenging, jarring, encompassing - without the breadth it covers, could be an alternative option to think about for future writes.

Ullr - The first stanza was for the most part fire, the second was alright, and the third was decent. I think you shine best when you can highlight your own luminosity as a science buff, as it shows through your writing how accurate your understanding is of nature, physics, and matter. It's convincing in that respect. Some of the language wasn't as sharp as I'm used to from you in the second stanza, and the points you were trying to convey have been tread on before, i.e. the mention of tyrants and greed. If it stuck to the universe and didn't turn into a war direction, I think it might have been a fresher verse as a whole; just my thoughts.

I think this was a close battle, but I'm going to go with what I felt was the more crystal poem this week, and that was Godcomplex.
Vulgar is offline