[Woke]

Napolean - For starters, it was kind of strange when you said the word asylum, just seemed weird and i felt I should share that. Loved the closing few lines, some powerful writing there. This was a decent verse that matched the provided topic perfectly, so points there. It did however, read a bit shallow. I mean there was no real depth, it was just a story. Sure, this is not bad, but in my eyes it is not good either. You never gave me a connection to either the dead boy or parent characters. Well, you painted me a connection, but I never became attached or emotionally caring for them on metaphysical level. It was just a story to a photo for me. As for the writing itself, I didn't notice any glaring errors. Where are you from? Every verse I read I always come across one-two lines a week and quote them because they don't make sense to me. I then read and re-read that line and surrounding lines and it begins to make sense, but just sounds weird when i say it aloud. I mentioned the negative mostly in this verse, but please don't take it as me saying I didn't like it because I did and believe this is sound writing in the grand scheme of things.


psy - For starters, i did not like how the opening bar was "they" then the third line was "his", also third line didn't rhyme. Someone once told me the opener and closer is where you should spend more time on any lines in the verse because the first and last impression are ultimately the most important. This is something I strive to do each verse out now and that was some very sage advice that i now live by. I believe it was Vulgar, neither here nor there. In the end this verse was very visual and straight forward. You truly wrote a linear story in rhyme (although not the most complex or smoothly executed in that department) and that is tough to do. I always want to write a story as such, but my mind doesn't work like that. I enjoyed the images and thoughts and reasons behind them. Like God, you wrote something that fit the topic perfectly, so points for that. I don't have much in lieu of gripe per say other then the glaring lack of over zealous and calculated flow.


Tough vote for me. You both did things well and both did things not so well. Asylum didn't have the best mechanics or flow but told a story that was visual, easy to follow and just a fun fucking read man. God wrote a story too but showed a stronger grasp on mechanics but left me wanting more in terms of connection or pleasure in the ending for that matter. Going to read again and vote as I see I may very well be the deciding vote....


Didn't like "fellow men" repetition. Also, i take back all I said about connection to character. On this most recent read (my second, lack of time this week for voting) I see what you did. Characters were not the focal point, instead actions and reactions were. Dope.

Psy you had better mechanics then i previously mentioned

However I have to vote for

v/ Goddamnplex

He had the deeper read for my personal tastes, although I loved the linear action filled verse psy provided, I just feel what complex wrote not just in terms of story but as concept as well, I just have to narrowly tip the scale in his favor

SUPER DOPE BATTLE

thank you both