Ok I know this usually isn't a place for feedback on writings, but with the particular verse I am talking about, the voting is over and the thread is closed. And this is a discussion area so w/e, sue me.
Don't wanna simply PM it, because you never know when someone else's feedback on someone else's shit could help someone else, however slightly.
Particularly when it's feedback from someone awesome -- like me.
@
Godcomplex
I've looked at your Week 6 championship with Rakontur.
First off, a bunch more qualifiers to my comments
1 - my comment here narrowly focuses on your 2nd verse
2 - i'm specifically talking about rhyme&structure
3 - frankly I am talking about it as it relates to "normal" "rap" verses, because it flowed like one. And because I want to.
4 - you may already know this,
but I feel it is important to be said
In that 2nd verse I see tools of yours which in my opinion you do not utilize enough. Rarely has it jumped out at me in the things you write, primarily because you are usually doing some more complex structures and vocabulary.
The journey of a young traveler,
Whose journey is purely magical,
Imagine having a soul, with happiness sown.
Yet, ghosts still attack as if spoken to bad
But, with one strike of his staff their emotions collapse.
Protected by a talisman created by some savages,
But, its powers are marvelous. With it-
An orphan can survive his fatherless apocalypse.
As, for sacred geometry reflecting consciousness,
That's just deceit used to mentally soften us.
I hope you've enjoyed discussing with us,
How you went from being child into taking them for hostages.
What I see here is a very fluid flow with a different kind of scheme than your usual.
One could argue that a writer, in a certain sense, might "dumb things down" for these affects. However that is not always a bad thing if "said dumbing down" involves a meticulous effort to make things flow, and more importantly be succinct while still being powerful.
I am biased of course because I do enjoy these kind of rhyme schemes with quick hitting multis, some of them being on the same line... Sometimes just doing a rhyme couplet and then changing the rhyme on the next couplet, but sometimes carrying it on for more than 2 lines.
Frankly if you had done the same style in the first verse I thought the entirety would have been more complete&connected, but perhaps you purposefully went for a contrast.
Which is fine. All I am saying is, take a look at that 2nd verse which you yourself wrote, and try to understand why I like it.. by examining it yourself moreso than my convoluted multitude of reasons I've laid out here.
Long story short, I think you should "try it more".. Certainly not with every piece you do, and certainly don't force it when you don't feel it's appropriate. But keep experimenting. It never hurts to add another knife to the drawer.. to throw that changeup when the reader is expecting a fastball.