Well, the first thing I will comment on is the structure; it definitely doesn't look like a verse, more like journaling with rhyming as your compass. Aside from that, you have a bountiful of images to convey, very emotionally laden I might add.
Things like "Tell me I'm off-topic. Another way I escape is by washing my hands over-n-over in the faucet. Meat on their bones- I don' even have skeletons in the closet. And when I touch myself too much or use too many drugs, it feels like they're watching."
It made me chuckle, mostly because it's disturbing, but not dark. Which, is something you do well. You can convey this scenes with trepidation as the tone, but it never becomes grim, which in your case is a good thing. Mostly, because while you do write very self-focused, splashing on the colors of your emotions as you go, it never becomes too serious. Which, is one of your strength and weaknesses, in my opinion. There is hardly ever the sense of something you wrote with utmost devotion to creating something that is rememberable in a greater sense. Obviously you write and produce writing that you deem as momentous and significant to your life, but it never wanders from the moment you are currently in. Which is fine, but you don't harness the full potential of the reigns, so to speak.
Instead, you conjoin an array of ideas without ever solidifying a deep connection with them. And so your work suffers from episodes of sagacity and on the opposite spectrum of idleness. And in a way negligent to being fully committed to the process of conquering your faults, in writing of course, not you as a person. Also, what is your opposition to writing something in verse form, that is more traditional.
I think what one of the biggest things your missing is structure, and some people here do without it, like Zen, but he can write very structurally, he just chooses to write as he does. But, I feel you need to settle down from trying to create this big rendition that will secure your place as someone different because of the way you do things, and instead hone the mechanics, and from there I'm sure you will grow.
Thanks for the read.
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