[UnbornBuddha]

2tripple: Your narrative voice is becoming stronger, but you still suffer from basic grammatical mistakes, which makes your editing look careless. My suggestion is to buy a book on grammatical structure and learn the basic tenets. Another commentator suggested multisyllabic rhyming, but I think at this point that would hinder you. Mostly, because you still struggle with the tendency to rush things, I even see this in your other writing, votes and all that. I think to keep improving, you have to take writing seriously on all levels. Meaning, you have to proofread everything you write, from votes to messages/ email, whatever else you write, not just raps.The reason for this is because I regularly see your comments are problematic from a syntactic perspective, they are missing fundamental building blocks, or their order is so topsy-turvy that it almost reads like you scrawled. Which contributes to continual bad tendencies, even if you try to break free from them every once in a while, you have to bypass them on all levels, bit just when you write a topical.
I say this to you because you vie every week competing, and while you do it for fun probably, I notice a desire to improve. And you definitely are improving, but from what others say, you've been doing this for a long time. In comparison, and I disdain comparison, but will use it. In comparison, I've only been doing this for less than a year, and I've ascended up the ranks, I'm still honing myself and I'm still a fledgling, but I am improving relatively quickly. I want to see you do this too, I know you are capable of it because I see hints of brilliance all the time from you, but they become shrouded mostly because as you write further into your entries it seems in the process of advancement you confuse yourself.
Also, last week you criticized my piece for not rhyming like a line or two, and here you are doing the same thing. It simply points out your inconsistency which keeps you trapped in the constant of your novitiate garment. I want to see you win for once, for heaven's sake, you lost to Silver last week, which no offense, but her piece was indicative of someone greenhorn, a dilettante. You are putting in the practice, but you need to focus in the right way to make better headway in your path for improvement.

Asylum: Your feed going to be shorter, by the way. I don't have much to say, I enjoyed the piece, you had some wonderful writing, such as:
"Travelling in it’s new form within aspen and pine, cedars and oak,
Through wolves, tigers, lions, and each volcanoes fiery smoke.
Taking hold in it’s black soil, ashes and acid rain,

Those are some well-written lines. The topic itself was nothing too mind-blowing, but it still had a well-delivered intonation that carried forth the spirit drawn from cosmological inspiration. It had a very impersonal touch to it, which makes the narrative voice not only elusive but a bit sententious, which is something I've struggled myself with. Albeit, that voice has powerful implications it nevertheless carries a sense of redundancy, since it's continually trying to hammer in the same reverberation to the reader, even if the message is not the same, the way you convey it sometimes makes it appear the same because the intention is what becomes readily apparent, even if it wasn't your intention. This was also a good glimpse at what you capable of, which is nice to see. Keep testing the waters.

Thank you both

Vote: Asylum