Netcees - View Single Post - Asylum 0-2 vs. 2Tripple0 0-3 [ASYLUM WINS 8-0]

Ullr · 08-13-2015, 07:44 AM

First, I want to say that this was a solid battle and both verses were interesting to read - both had creative elements and some solid description. Let's break it down:

2Tripple0: I appreciated the approach, it was direct and almost "fatherly" in an odd way, it was solid and your narrative direction really seemed strong but I think the key thing I found lacking in your piece for a topical was the presence of strong multis. Topicals are a step above and beyond the typical schemes in poetry and in fact the more intense your schemes the better a topical will read. I saw a few really solid attempts, for example:

so make a decision quick
cause the waves about to slip

This was so nearly a strong multi but just a slight falter means I can only connect 2 dots rather than the potential of 6 that were possible. What I mean is this - if I wanted to rhyme with something ridiculous with many syllables I would first decide what it is I want to say APPROXIMATELY. You should never be deadset on saying one thing or another unless you've got realy good reason to. Then, I would look at the rhyme phrase I want to make a multi for in a verse and sort of just pull a chunk out and try to rhyme it completely while still making perfect sense in the context of the story. If you can do this successfully (it gets more and more difficult the more syllables you add, mind you) then the act of putting together a verse actually becomes relatively easy.

Here's an example I'm going to spitball:

I woke up this morning feeling motivated, I strolled the pages, rippin' raps and rockin' roller bladin'

The main multi I was using there is obviously "motivated" only 3 syllables just because I wanted to make an example:

Motivated
Stroll the pages
Roller Bladin'

Notice how these all match up pretty well, perfection isn't always an achievable goal so just trust your instinct and if it works for you then roll with it.

I added in that "rippin' raps and rockin'" because it has two characteristics I liked, it has alliteration which makes transitions smoother but also turns into a word play in "rock and roll - er blading", just some silliness as an example.

This is the main thin I think you should aim to improve upon - once you master this you will see you will quickly improve and you will not only lead your narrative well with your voice which is already present but also "weave" lines more precisely because that is really what we're all doing at the top level, we're weaving lines between one another to create a flowing piece. We need to keep in mind every factor, every word and every sound and syllable. It's not easy but I believe in you.

Asylum: Sort of the opposite case here for you, I felt your rhymes were pretty solid, done well and the pacing was strong, I liked some of the long/short transitions but occasionally some were a little off, just re-read more crically to find those but overall really solid in that respect. I really appreciated the description and poetic nature of the piece, you did a really good job describing scenes and adding little details to make the read richer - that was perhaps your greatest strength. Now, as an inverse to your opponent I felt that your voice was a little less direct here, it felt a little less controlled a little more like it was pieced together - your voice is the cohesive glue that should bring it all together. I didn't think your voice was "bad", it was pretty decent; however, had it been stronger this would have been a really awesome piece to behold. Still, this was solid.

I think this was a pretty closely matched battle with both writers bringing their own unique strengths and weaknesses but in this case I felt the description and schemes of Asylum's piece slightly outweighed 2Tripple0's strong voice albeit that Asylum's piece felt a little disjointed and not as smooth and working in cohesion.

Solid battle.

V/ Asylum

08-13-2015, 07:44 AM	#10
Ullr Norse God Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 221 Battle Record: 5-6 Rep Power: 0	First, I want to say that this was a solid battle and both verses were interesting to read - both had creative elements and some solid description. Let's break it down: 2Tripple0: I appreciated the approach, it was direct and almost "fatherly" in an odd way, it was solid and your narrative direction really seemed strong but I think the key thing I found lacking in your piece for a topical was the presence of strong multis. Topicals are a step above and beyond the typical schemes in poetry and in fact the more intense your schemes the better a topical will read. I saw a few really solid attempts, for example: so make a decision quick cause the waves about to slip This was so nearly a strong multi but just a slight falter means I can only connect 2 dots rather than the potential of 6 that were possible. What I mean is this - if I wanted to rhyme with something ridiculous with many syllables I would first decide what it is I want to say APPROXIMATELY. You should never be deadset on saying one thing or another unless you've got realy good reason to. Then, I would look at the rhyme phrase I want to make a multi for in a verse and sort of just pull a chunk out and try to rhyme it completely while still making perfect sense in the context of the story. If you can do this successfully (it gets more and more difficult the more syllables you add, mind you) then the act of putting together a verse actually becomes relatively easy. Here's an example I'm going to spitball: I woke up this morning feeling motivated, I strolled the pages, rippin' raps and rockin' roller bladin' The main multi I was using there is obviously "motivated" only 3 syllables just because I wanted to make an example: Motivated Stroll the pages Roller Bladin' Notice how these all match up pretty well, perfection isn't always an achievable goal so just trust your instinct and if it works for you then roll with it. I added in that "rippin' raps and rockin'" because it has two characteristics I liked, it has alliteration which makes transitions smoother but also turns into a word play in "rock and roll - er blading", just some silliness as an example. This is the main thin I think you should aim to improve upon - once you master this you will see you will quickly improve and you will not only lead your narrative well with your voice which is already present but also "weave" lines more precisely because that is really what we're all doing at the top level, we're weaving lines between one another to create a flowing piece. We need to keep in mind every factor, every word and every sound and syllable. It's not easy but I believe in you. Asylum: Sort of the opposite case here for you, I felt your rhymes were pretty solid, done well and the pacing was strong, I liked some of the long/short transitions but occasionally some were a little off, just re-read more crically to find those but overall really solid in that respect. I really appreciated the description and poetic nature of the piece, you did a really good job describing scenes and adding little details to make the read richer - that was perhaps your greatest strength. Now, as an inverse to your opponent I felt that your voice was a little less direct here, it felt a little less controlled a little more like it was pieced together - your voice is the cohesive glue that should bring it all together. I didn't think your voice was "bad", it was pretty decent; however, had it been stronger this would have been a really awesome piece to behold. Still, this was solid. I think this was a pretty closely matched battle with both writers bringing their own unique strengths and weaknesses but in this case I felt the description and schemes of Asylum's piece slightly outweighed 2Tripple0's strong voice albeit that Asylum's piece felt a little disjointed and not as smooth and working in cohesion. Solid battle. V/ Asylum __________________