okay.
zygote, I see what you did, using the topic as a point of debate instead of the typical 'something you have to prove is correct' approach. If we were ideal voters you wouldn't need that explanation at the end etc. I didn't find your writing as effective as usual, the characterization was incomplete, when the meaning seemed to revolve around your protagonist's seriousness attesting to why he was still in office/ able to stand behind the decisions he did.
mechanics were ok. word choice was nice and so was the dialogue. really started off solid, then I saw you resorting to 'roll phrases' (I dunno if there's a real word) where you use a phrase you've used before/ a cliche'd phrase, backwards wording, or a noticeably prolix line in order to continue rhyming or fill space.
I'm not sure if this was intentional. Perhaps you edited well, and thought about how your verse was going to be read very carefully- in which case it merely felt artificial to me. This is some criticism that I would only note in a championship match.
Not a bad verse by any means.
rg.
Quote:
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He sliced the american pie; giving everybody his portion; on a plate of porcelain design.
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excellent metaphor.
You really, really, really rambled. It was like an outline to an excellent piece. No offense: it is almost like you forwent transitions and coherency in favor of line breaks. The morbid sense of humor that you portrayed the president having was cool, as was making dialogue rhyme- however a lot of the flow/ rhyming was artificial from repeating entire phrases (more on that in a second). I wish the conclusion had been more solid, could have carried/ shifted the massive momenta of your entire piece into driving home a single point or twist
Mechanically, really bad with spots of good. Intro was cool and well written, after that, just impressively slanty end rhymes and good structure... lots of sections approached lyrical and simply did not
Quote:
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Truman didn't know about the plans to build atomic bombs, they had been so top secret,
Even the Vice-President of the United States was not to 'breach it.
About three months after Truman became President, the Trinity Test took place.
The Trinity Test was the code name given to the first atomic bomb to successfully devastate.
The Trinity Test proved that atomic bombs would work, if they were needed to be used in war.
In August of 1945; the United States was still fighting in World War II
Against the nation of Japan...
Told about the successful Trinity Test of an atomic bomb, President Truman followed through on what Franklin had planned.
It was his hope that the power of the bomb and the damage it would cause might be enough to stop fighting,
So, an atomic bomb named “Little Boy” was dropped on the city like a swat of 6 billion watts of lightning.
When the Japanese didn’t surrender after the “Little Boy” bomb destroyed Hiroshima,
President Truman ordered that a second atomic bomb, called “Fat Man” be deployed; to ether.
Several days later, as President Truman considered using even more atomic bombs,
The Japanese decided to surrender, waving the white flag; with the red dot upon
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ew. sorry man. I was not feeling this verse. It was more like talking points than a topical or story.
Vote. Zygote's felt off-balance and a little than enthusiastically written. I get the feeling he did not like this topic at all. Red Glare, stop writing half-cooked masterpieces.
V/ Zygote for a more cohesive verse with an endearing angle, that despite feeling awkward, in my opinion definitely knocked the top off of Red Glare's rambling and loose-laced shot at greatness, that if it had come to fruition would have gone toe-to-toe with Zygote's par.