2000
"Shallow graves where they buried the dead beneath the ground
that would shake its foundation when an oath was essential.
For its essential protection: call me its homecoming for the residential."
Any particular reason why you had a that starting bar I quoted, and not having another to rhyme with it?
Anyways, the verse was decent. It kind of throws me off when you have a couplet that rhyme with a multi, and then the next few don't. What kept the 'flow' in this piece to me was the internal rhyming. That's always a nice touch. I feel like, maybe it's just me, but the best part of your writing is the story telling aspect. There's times I can imagine what you were saying, and it flows along smoothly into the next 'scene'.
You are getting better though. I hope your record doesn't discourage you, I feel like you have the most room to grow out of everybody here.
Asylum
"Between the awkward pauses and hidden clauses, our motions guided true,
Without the slightest clue, our past lives guide us through an abyss our souls pursue."
The internals, the rhyme scheme, even though 'souls' threw the last part of the multi off, this was pretty dope to me.
"Rebirth. While our eyes see hurt, our souls have seen worse.
It’s between the two we align our minds to find our purpose,
And climb past the glass ceiling, without ever scratching it’s surface."
That first line was slick. Simply, but effective. Nice way to end the verse.
Asylum's verse was put together well. I enjoyed the read, and I have no major critique on it. Good shit.
vAsylum
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