Quote:
Originally Posted by sraL
quick key.
The graveyard was silent apart from the bleating of bats
as they started climbing up through the featureless black.
The moon appeared to be hanging itself by the slightest of threads,
an overseer of the last known night of the dead!
It's a sign of the end, As the rescuers search
for any life that is left in the wreck of the purge
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Dope, vocab choice was really smooth and no kinks at all in the scheme
Quote:
with vessels emerging we start pacing forward
the rest are uncertain for what may befall us
We take the corner with suspense on our breath
as a wave of former humans press up ahead.
The stench of dead flesh clung to the wind
and I'll never forget it, for as long as I live...
I'd closed my eyelids, so the moment could sink
we roamed in silence as they approached us in sync
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Quote:
This was off-balanced at the start, but good job at moving the plot forward. "We roamed in silence" was forced though.
hoping they missed us, DING! I flickered the torch
with the scope of a pistol hitting the floor.
"Shit!" I retort, thinking it's either me or it's them
as they close in distance before us to feast on our flesh.
I reached for the heckler, but in a moment of madness,
as the dreary undead approached, I'd frozen in panic!
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Another dope section. Can't point to any killer lines but this is a story piece that focuses on keeping a good rhyme scheme, and the story is coming along super well & the rhyme scheme is dope at times but not consistent
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My emotions were static but their advances prompted me
to chew over their antics and to grasp their oddities
in the manic horror we were tripped in alarm
as one latched onto me by gripping my arm.
It's fingernails carved through my epidermis
he hissed and he snarled as I was lying their squirming.
It's mouth widening purposely towards the side of my face
so I punched him twice then with urgency to try and escape!
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Wasn't feeling this section. The phrasing was awkward and really pulled me out of the story. However, the lines didn't stretch and the rhyming was unforced.
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With no time to delay we'd attempted to leg it,
those in firing range were dead at our presence.
As we'd head for the exit, so if any people had survived
we'd forget the objective, leaving them behind.
"Those things were eating 'em alive!" I incessantly spit
"I could see it in their eyes, we we're next on their lists,"
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good again
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We fled ever so quickly, and raced the whole thing,
desperate to literally save our own skin!
The flood gates had opened, we were prone to attacks
in our range of focus we ha noticed a hatch
Our hopes were at last in sight despite the dark
As I pulled into the latch, I was met by a striking arm...
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Nah.
Just being honest, I don't know about this one. I DEFINITELY think you guys should continue this/ make this a series to capitalize on this because it seems like it was just starting to get going when you ended it. Not sure who wrote what where, but I think the inconsistency means that you didn't quite write at the same level.
Lars has been doing this since like 1992 though & is one of the most successful writers in the game, and MMLP hasn't been terribly active, so I think that it's not a fault with the writing.
I'd say that if MMLP starts writing more often, you two would be a great collab duo & could put out some killer story pieces
good read guys